Spring Done Sprung

Sring done sprung and love is in the air, or perhaps pheromones. Probably pheromones, but, let's pretend for one moment I'm not a cynic. So, love is in the air, and I drew a Cups spread for all you lovebirds. Let's see what the fertility bunny has brought us today:

What lies beneath: in the foundations position I see the Ace of Swords. This could go either way, my beauties; either bliss or torture. You either have the most wonderful sugar daddy or momma ever, or you are being chained in the basement against your will. In that case, kudos for breaking free long enough to read this garbage. Surely, there are better uses of your time, but who am I to judge.

Who you are, here and now: in the querent position I see the Lovers card, reversed. Hmm, coincidence? Perhaps. One thing's certain, you have love on your mind. You have taken your quarterly shower, slapped on some patchouli, and you are ready to venture forth in search of a nest you can share with some other lovely chickadee.

What stands in your way: in the obstacles position, I see the Nine of Swords. I'm taking the band-aide approach here. The object of your affection is not only less than interested , but really, really, has other crap on his or her mind. Things like how best to design a tin foiled hat to maximize defense against alien intrusion while still looking cute. Trust me, if you end up with this one, they're a fixer-upper.

What you hope for: in the aspirations position we have the Four of Wands card. I see you searching for stability in an inherently unstable person or situation. You want a non-traditional union, a happy little Manson family minus the crazy murder, plus the polyamory. Give it a shot. It works sometimes, I guess.

What has already happened: in the past position we've got the Two of Cups. Now the picture becomes clearer. When I was a teenager, I watched the Brady Bunch with a fresh perspective. I started to wonder if there was some sort of “special” relationship between Mr. And Mrs. Brady, and that maid of theirs. It seemed like they were too close. But, like, completely natural about it. I'm thinking now, that you, dear reader, are looking for your own Alice to add to the mix of an already sweet gig. Again, can't hurt to try. Well, maybe it can hurt, but it might be fun anyway.

What comes next: in the future position, we have the Eight of Pentacles. Some people have all the luck. Looks like you just might get your cake and eat it, too. What ever crazy stew your cooking will be deelish. That love adventure you want to have will most likely happen just as you want it to. To that, I say; screw tradition.

And here's hoping you have a better time with that than I can even imagine. I'm imagining it right now….wait, screw you! My opinion about love is that it's stupid, and messy, and worth it, and a crock of shit, and totally worth it. Get what you want, need, and makes you happy. You are a brave soul, and I commend you. It is my earnest opinion, however, and I'm pretty sure the J. Geils band will back me up here, that love stinks.

 

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Thursday Morning Chit Chat (With Myself[mostly]) Because I’m Pissed Off

Just a four card draw. Because I said so, that's why. No reason. Shut up, “I said so” is too a good reason! Ok, ok, just do it already.

So, after this brief conversation, I drew four cards. In all honesty despondency led me to it. I'm hunkering down for a week-end in bed. Yes, starting on Thursday, my feelings are sore. I'm talking soup in bed, pretend I have the flu DESPONDENCY. Woke up to the news that a show verrrrrrry similar to one of mine has come out and opens this week. How does this keep happening???????? And WHY???????? So, I turn to the cards today before I lock myself in the bunker. Here's what they have to say:

Right off, we start with a bang. In the Earth position of the Elements spread I have the Chariot card reversed. Well, duh, “Yes, yes, I am stuck on the side of the road with four flat tires, thank you for noticing, Criagslist Killer. Oh, this looks like an opportunity for exploitation? Yeah, you would think that. Move along, creep, nothing to see here.” is what this card seems to scream. What I am screaming these days mostly is aimed at myself and it sounds like this: ” Yes, yes, that is a terrifically original idea. Now, STFU until you get it on paper and with copy-write, you fool!” I'm notoriously harsh on myself.

Next card up, in the Fire position is the King of Swords. This is nice because the cards really do understand my feelings. Of course I am fueled by a sense of injustice! Of course I want credit for what's mine. Duh, duh, and duh. Soooooo tired of telling people my ideas and seeing them lived out in other peoples work. That's just terrific. No, I don't think I'll be able to make it to your show featuring my work uncredited. I'll be staying home to lick the cats butt instead, because honestly, that sounds like more fun. Watch out, imitators, the King of Swords card says “I know what's up, and I'm coming for you. With a sword. Because I'm the king of them.” the King of Swords sounds remarkably like MojoJojo.

Now, in the Air position, that which influences me is King of Pentacles. The problem is I just want to work. I want to work so bad that I share my ideas to entice people to work with me. I need to knock that the fuck off, because obviously it isn't getting things done. People like my ideas. A lot. Obviously. It also hints at intelligence and ability combined in one solidly crazy package. Well, the crazy part is spot on.

Last card up in the Water position is Eight of Wands. So, the Eight of Wands is the card which links the past with the future. So, I am leaning to a bright new hope. New ideas and new work is on the horizon. These endeavors promise to be original and interesting. No matter what lies in the past this promises a fresh new beginning full of good work. And if I share any of these new ideas before they are ready then may I be beaten with all eight of these wands simultaneously.

 

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Between a Rock and a Hard Place, or, Viagra; is it over-rated?

I just wanted to pull three cards today and these are the ones I got. Very interesting. Mostly just funny. You pays yer money, you takes yer chances:

So, let’s start with the grand poo-bah here, The Emperor card.He’s in the past position, representing the recent past and the circumstances that have led you to this point in your life. He’s a good looking guy settled in his ways, solid,dependable, and a bit beyond looking sew his wild oats. He’s figured a few things out. One of those things is how to calculate compound interest. I think that’s the least sexy thing I can think of, but maybe that’s just me. This looks to be the root of todays dilemma. Nothing says turn-off like a guy way too into old guy stuff.

Next up is the Six of Cups, reversed in the present position. Hmmm, With this card, it suggests a comeuppance. That’s a little worrisome. Someone here will get what’s due. I got Aretha Franklin’s R-E-S-P-E-C-T running through my mind. “ooo your kisses sweet as honey, but guess what, so’s my money”. Somebody’s angling to get some. And I ain’t talking about interest. I would suggest a healthy dose of respect.

Three of Cups, reversed in the future position. This reading is all about the love. Someone wants it. Someone isn’t getting it. My advice? Take some aspirin for that head-ache, shake that stick out of your butt, and deliver. You’ll get no peace until you do.

That’s my reading for the day. Anybody have any requests? Any burning questions? Shoot ’em my way and I will gleefully, sarcastically, hilariously answer them. Yours in service to the absurd-Googy Ballyhoo

Of Dimwits and Frogs

Hey all you crazy people, how's tricks? I have a special post for a special new friend out there today. He's a funny guy, but he's not himself lately. He's on a journey of self-discovery that will require a Sherpa and a few dozen frogs, maybe a pint of whiskey.

This one's for you, my favorite Dimwit (his title, not mine, before I get threatening letters about disparaging the disabled[which I would never, ever do]{unless your disability happens to be being an asshole, in which case, fair game}):

Straight to business. First card in an elementals spread is Ten of Wands reversed and is in the Earth position. That bed of nails you've been sleeping on is not doing you any favors. Bed of nails is not the same as acupuncture. Also the hair shirt is overkill. If you want to punish yourself try the last twelve seasons of Veggie Tales uninterrupted, that should be payment enough for your sins. Or, you know, take it easy on yourself. This card represents your foundation, your recent past, and I see a fair amount of conflict. It suggests that you have been in an ass-kicking contest with yourself and everyone you know with your own ass as the target. Simply step away from the fight. Your ass could use the rest.

Next card is Queen of Swords in the Air position. This card represents your true intentions, or higher aspirations. Lots of deep thought going on here about right and wrong, good and bad. In a world where David Hasselhoff spent a brief time (even ten minutes is fifteen minutes too long) at the top of the charts in Germany, who is to say what truly is right and wrong? I mean, this guy was in a Spongebob movie, how bad could he really be? On the other hand there's that whole hamburger freak out. See what I'm saying? Wait, sorry, this is about you, Dimwit, back to you. What I'm trying to say is, it's all relative to your personal perspective. It's good to have drive that is linked to a higher purpose, but don't let it drive you.

King of Wands is the next card in the Fire position. The recurring themes in this reading are chicks and sticks. Hmmmm, what could it mean? Either an unhealthy obsession with weapons and women, or, more likely, you are driven by honest motives and there are some truly terrific women out there supporting your ambitions. I know I don't have to remind you to recognize. This card speaks volumes about your personal integrity. You've got it in spades. Do take stock once in a while to make sure you're staying true to yourself.

Last card is a doozy. High Priestess in the Water place. Mystery upon mystery. That which you are seeking remains elusive. Or, maybe it means you are good at the tease, the build up. I think that may be it. That or the Mid-frog Nights Dream is set to go for your next project. Do I hear wedding croaks? Take it easy, Dimwit, and don't take any wooden nickels.

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Holiday Beer, Fear…Cheer…Something like that.

What do the holidays hold in store for us? If you are like me you would rather strap 39 live cats to your body and jump in the shower than celebrate the holidays, especially if relatives are involved. I mean, come on, I cannot be the only one who's Grandma declares the whole family cray cray, then does a striptease, even though she is stone cold sober. Ahem. Moving on. Since this reading involves not only the holidays but the coming new year I feel it is appropriate to torture you with the zodiac spread. And by torture I mean buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy read. Seriously, this might suck. It's been a long time and I'm rusty.

Querent: The Sun card depicts all the turns you have taken on the great big spin we have made around the globe in the last 365 days. Its natural for you to feel a bit dizzy. For whatever reason, you have felt a special significance in the passing of time and your hurtle through space this year. Perhaps is is the first time in your life that you thought of the earth as a time machine that we are collectively breaking with pollution and contagious stupidity. Or maybe your Doctor Who fascination has just reached a new pinnacle of bonkers. No one likes the bowtie. It looks good on one person on earth and his name rhymes with Schloctor Schloo.

Gemini: The Magician(reversed) suggests it's been a rough year for you in terms of communicating with others. Not a lot of people actually speak Klingon, so there's that. Also, Ixney on the Igpey Atenley. You might try using the native tongue of the area you live in this year. Couldn't hurt.

Cancer: Two of Cups(reversed) signifies that below the cool exterior of your Spock persona lies a smoldering Tango-dancing sex god. It might also suggest a more intimate relationship with food than is strictly healthy. In other words, stop eating your feelings. They taste like ashes and the tears of baby unicorns anyway, and that. can't be good. Not that I would know from personal experience…

Leo: Three of Cups shows that you have enjoyed a healthy, happy love life. Screw you and your domestic bliss. I am NOT jealous. I'm sure your spouse isn't at all the degenerate gambler that I heard they were. And I just know if they heard about that restraining order that Jennifer Love Hewitt filed against you they would totally understand.

Virgo: Five of Wands(reversed) says you better use that can of whoop ass you've been saving before it expires. Which it totally will before the years end. Got a beef with the mother-in-law? Throw down now and you will likely win. Your boss punking you? Introduce his butt to your boot. Long story short, you are hot to trot right now. Just don't try kicking your own ass or it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum because you just cannot lose.

Libra: Two of Pentacles reveals a tendency to live out the imagined in the real world. They have a name for that. Clinically it's known as dumbassery. Or also as Get-Off-The-Cross-We-Need-The-Wood syndrome. The recommended treatment is to retract your head from your own rectum. What I mean is, things seem worse than they are because you are imagining them to be. Nothing is as bad as it seems right now. Furthermore, don't buy into any Nigerian Prince schemes. Be extra careful about anything suggested to you in correspondence. If someone sends you a chia pet unsolicited, don't do it. Dollars to donuts those are pot seeds, not chia seeds.

Scorpio: The Chariot(reversed) hint that hot times are to come in the old town tonight. Or the immediate future. By hot I mean buy riot gear and hunker down because things are about to get ugly. I don't know what you did in a past life to deserve this year but I suggest you repent. It's just a wild and hairy one and I don't blame you for *feeling like kicking puppies through an electric fan.

Sagittarius: Nine of Cups shows that hope is in sight. That collectible set of My Little Pony figurines you've been bidding on will be YOURS. Maybe that's what you are saving the can of whoop ass for. Who knows. I can only offer the advice my grandmother gave me before leaving for college: “Eat more fruit than cheese. Also, never spit in the wind”. Seriously, that's all I've got.

Capricorn: Eight of Cups says again that what you thought was important is of no consequence. Instead of speaking to your emotional life, however, this card is referencing your work. The guy taking your lunch from the fridge? Most likely your boss, so let it goooo. Besides, that's what you get for having a monopoly on the very last Twinkies on earth.

Aquarius: Death is a card that represents change rather than actual termination of life, so don't get your panties in a bunch. I have to say, overall this reading sucks. I wouldn't want to be the person for whom it is intended. If I were you, what I would do ten minutes after reading this is hunker down with your remaining Twinkie stash and don't come out again until this whole Mayan calendar fiasco has run its course. What I would do ten minutes preceding that is mail me half of your Twinkie stash and leave me the rest in your will.

Pisces: Ten of Swords is for the win. Sort of. Seriously, who did you piss off? This is the last card on the reading so I desperately want it to be a smiley face, but it just isn't. Does Acme still make anvils? My advice to you is don't go outside without a lead umbrella. In fact, Just stay inside.And so ends my holiday reading, not with a bang, but a warning.

I have so enjoyed writing these and I will continue to write them when I am not deep in study of academic bullshit. Thank you for yor comments, likes, and general support. Also, please forgive me for the sloppy formatting asBlogsy is determined to melt my tolerance for technology.

 

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The Best is Yet To Come…or the mark of the beast, whichever.

I'm officially at 666 views as of noon today! Thank you all for enabling me to soar to such heights in a mere three months. In celebration I thought I would, you know, do that voodoo that we do so well. Or something like that. I thought I would just take a peek into the future of this blog because in all the columns that I have written I have never read the cards for ours truly. So, here goes with an Elements spread.

Earth: The World reversed: what a coinkydink. The World card for the Earth position. Back the Truck Up! It's as if the cards know my love of synchronicity. This card suggests, first off, that I need to stop typing one handed because that shit is just slowing me down. Seriously I need to put down the donuts and get cracking because this bullshit doesn't write itself. Also, it says that I might have reached a point of stagnation and I might consider mixing things up a bit. To that I say; screw you, card, I'm giving it all I got.

Air: Five Of Cups card sez that what this blog lacks in intellectual quality it more that makes up for in sincerity. Guys, you're with me, right? You know I pour my heart into every single post, right? It also tell the tale of a journey well traveled, to completion, and enjoying some success. At least someone it getting a happy ending.

Fire: King of Pentacles is a card that tells of the ambition to set the world ablaze with the creativity and genius of this blog. Probably a little far reaching, but one can dream. I mean, would it kill somebody to nominate this sucker for some kind of award??? I don't think so, but here we are, naked and awardless. Don't ask what one thing has to do with another, it will just lead to more confusion. The point is, I do love this blog and really, really do want it to entertain. Y'all let me know if I'm screwing it up, ok?

Water: Six of Swords is a card that lays out a journey by water. Huh. Now I'm starting to think the cards are just effing with me. At least it does intimate that the trip will be pleasant, which is good because it's too freaking late to turn back now. We're already in it, neck deep. Together. Insert maniacal laugh here, please. And also, keep reading. The best is yet to come. Hugs and kisses to all of you who give a shit and even those of you who don't. I love you anyway.

P.S. I don't really know why I have a Patsy Cline song here except it seemed appropriately crazy and eebil.

 

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Rebecca wonders if her diploma is flammable…or “What should I do now???”

On the occasion of her graduation Rebecca felt the curious sensation of monkeys trying to claw their way out of her chest. Or it could have been anxiety. Or it could have been the 5 hour energy shot. Whatever. She is now left with the question of what to do to fill her time and renew her bank account post-graduation. Let's look to the cards! Rebecca is an artist and her question regards future job prospects and general guidance so I will use the most obnoxiously comprehensive spread. Celtic cross it is:

The Querent: The Empress is the card that represents you in this reading, Rebecca. The Empress suggests you are a woman in charge. You are a domestic goddess ruling the roost with an iron spatula. You got skillet skills. You got garage-sale game….eh, thats enough. You get the picture. It also suggests an excess of feminine energy in the house, which we know is true. Is Scott drowning in the color pink? Does the thought of Disney drive him to inexplicably put on a football uniform and hunt squirrels in the back yard? Too bad, cause girls rule in your house.

What Covers You: The Ace of Pentacles reveals what's on your mind which is money. Money matters in this world and so this card signifying the beginning of your professional life making it is right on. I did some research about how artists make money. Here are a few suggestions:

• Etsy is a sort of online crafter co-op. If you can McGiver pine cones into high fashion evening dresses then this is your new virtual shop. If you have a divine calling to repurpose medical waste into art then you will probably show up on regretsy, but apparently people still buy this horrific crap so its all good.Point is, there's money to be made in the art of fashioning garbage into slightly different shaped garbage. Plus, you can do it at home while downing a whole pint of chubby hubby and lounging in your pajamas. Wait, that's what I do minus the money. I'm doing it all wrong, dammit.
• Artist/Rising is similar to Etsy but rather than crafters selling things that fell out of their bodies this features the work of artists who paint, draw, or photograph them instead.
• Aquent is a job aggregate which specializes in employment for artists. The jobs are bone crushingly boring but probably offer a variety of adult-type benefits like health insurance or office supplies or something.
  
• Workintexas.com is another job aggregate run by the U.S. department of labor which has, surprisingly, a greater number and selection of artistic jobs at a professional level that won't suck the fun out of your very existence on this earth. There are several listings for “sandwich artists” which I would avoid if I were you because I strongly suspect they are a front for a shanghai business which will rope you into a life of slavery on the open sea. Because there is nothing a pirate likes better than a well-made sandwich.
  
• Craigslist you may recognize as your one-stop shop for your own personal serial killer/masseuse but did you know that they also offer a variety of classified ads completely free of charge? You can advertise your services as a muralist who specializes in my little pony paintings at the same time you look through the wanted ads! Shut-the-front-door! No, really, you can.

What Is Under You: Three of Pentacles reveals a solid foundation in co-operation and teamwork. Knowing what has occurred in your life in the far past helps to understand what you need to know for the future. Or some such Back-To-The-Future silliness. This card which depicts an artisan plying his craft gives us a glimpse of you as a student who played well with others. Or ate her paste. Either way you would do well working in a team of like-minded people. A little supervision would also be good just to avoid the whole paste eating fiasco again.

What Lies Beneath You: The Sun card tells of a recent revelation. You just graduated. You just decided you really are an artist. And a real girl, but your nose still grows when you lie. How about that. It could also be telling you to work on your tan. Or irradiate your inner self with rest and time to take in recent changes. I suspect the later is more likely. Except the “irradiate” part. Don't really microwave any part of yourself. Really I was just being cute with words. Cause that's how I do.

What Is Above You: The Justice card gives away your inner motivation to affect change for the greater good. Inside you burns the flame of a liberal do-gooder who believes in peace and hope and change and all that other happy crap. Go hug a tree or burn a bra for Pete's sake. You would do well working with children. If anyone needs and believes in the value of fairness it's a child.

What Lies Before You: The World card is indicative of your recent status as an autonomous adult. Congratulations to you in becoming an upstanding, college graduated, grown up member of society. Now to the next step of being a contributing member. You Can Do It! This card says you are ready. It also says to remember to pack a snack and a light jacket because you just never know. The cards are smart assed, I know.

Your House: The Wheel of Fortune card in the position of your direct environment tells you not to become a crazy shut in like me. The house is great, the home is wonderful, certainly don't take it for granted, but if you find yourself stockpiling Oreos online and ordering a hover-round for in-home use it's time to get out a little more. Alternately, this card could mean you could do a booming business selling your work from home. Hard to tell.

What Surrounds You: Four of Cups. Here is where I offer a note in the form of a quote: “Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.” Andy Worhol said that. Virtually every other contribution by him was balls in my opinion but the quote stands. Shut every other voice out and listen to your inner self. Do what you and God believe best. The rest can go to hell. Or they can work at subway as a sandwich artist. Same diff.

Hopes and Fears: Ace of Cups shows a new opportunity being offered to you. You will soon have to chance to perform that interpretive dance number with the paper lanterns and spaghetti you thought up while you were coming down from the laughing gas when you had your wisdom teeth out. That was long winded. Sorry. Actually the opportunity could be in the form of a new bond or a new project of any kind, not necessarily interpretive dance related. Look out for it, don't let your opportunity slip away because it could seriously be the break or connection you are looking for.

Outcome: The Queen of Pentacles points the way to an intersection between commerce and fulfillment for you. You may never be able to turn bullshit into gold, but you will have money and you will be happy in the way you make it. Maybe you will become a moderately successful painter, maybe you will teach art to children, or perhaps you may even find career satisfaction making sandwiches for underprivileged pirates. Who knows? What I do know is you have reason to believe that the best will happen if you just pay attention to your own instincts.

That's it for now. Also, please forgive me for all the sandwich references. I was seriously hungry when I wrote this. In the future I will only work for thundercloud sub gift cards.

One more thing, if you like this post please “like” and rate it, pretty please with cheese on top? Thanks!

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I’m Gay for Chick Fil A

Not really, but considering the recent incendiary comments made by the CEO of Chick Fil A, Dan Cathy, I thought he could use my very special brand of help. By “very special” I mean full of shit. I chose a swords spread because no one likes a sword more than a homophobe. Go figure. They are also nuts about guns. Weird, right?

The Querent: King of Cups describes a man of business, law or divinity. Our man Cathy certainly fits this description. King of Cups card is also a warning to be cautious of a man who presents a righteous facade, but acts in a contrary manner. Wait, what? You mean to say that presenting hate speech as christian values is hypocritical? Shut the front door! If you want to know what I consider hate speech let me enlighten you. Telling a segment of the population in a public forum that they are wicked and wrong because they are differently oriented counts as hateful. Especially when these comments have the potential to cause harm to others.

Foundation, The Devil…where to begin? Perhaps a description of the cards illustration will shed some light on the matter. The Rider Waite deck illustrated by Pamela Colman Smith shows a naked couple bound to a throne where a hairy menacing devil presides. One interpretation is that the card represents temptation of an earthly nature. I can't help but wonder if Cathy was ever a part of his college wrestling team, and if so, did he ever feel conflicted? I know the kinds of thoughts that pranced through my head watching sweaty men in tight uniforms grapple at each others parts and bits. I would just love to compare notes.

Obstructions, Queen of Pentacles; reversed. I am of the personal opinion that you can never have too many queens in a reading. This beauty's presence reversed and in this position, however, is troubling for Cathy. The queen suggests that Cathy needs to get his mind right about a great many subjects, sexuality being the least of them. Selling never-food (check the nutritional value and number of unhealthy additives) with a side of righteousness is an oxymoron. One can't sell garbage for a profit and then claim to care what's good for people. Make the food healthy or shut up about gay people, or preferably do both, is the queens advice here. It's always the cards, folks, the cards definitely are opinionated.

Aspirations, Eight of Pentacles means money. The man on the card is crafting money out of money. This money means money is money and also money. Money. Cathy likes it. He likes to have it, make it, spend it, but not give it away so much. Nothing wrong with money. If he wants to keep making it he should know, however, that his ability to do so is dependent on the good will of the public. All those wicked gay people have parents, friends, teachers, brothers, sisters and just general folks who will support them by boycotting his establishment. In other words, smooth move, ex-lax, in alienating the core consumer.

The Past, Six of Pentacles reveals a life of privilege. It also shows that telling people that he knows better what God thinks about others claiming to know what God thinks is a special brand of crazy usually reserved for serial killers and royalty. Six of Pentacles wonders why no one has caught on to this lunatic approach to spiritual logic. Try it for yourself: (I'm paraphrasing) “You people are so arrogant claiming to know what God thinks. When I was talking to him the other day on my antenna to God (penis) he told me that you all need to be cleansed by the fire of The Holy Spirit.” See? It's just pure crap.

The Future, Ace of Cups; reversed. It's difficult for me not to laugh just like Nelson Muntz here. I know it's mean spirited to wish people ill when you see karma sidling up to some deserving soul to take a bite, but I just can't help it. We all get what we deserve almost all of the time. I'm not immune to this and neither, if this card is any indication, is Cathy.

That wraps up this edition of Drunk Tarot. One could point out that my own intolerance is showing here and that certainly would be true. I am very intolerant of intolerance. I know it's contradictory. I also know that this piece is always satire. I apologize sincerely to anyone I offend here while I vent just for the sake of venting.

P.S. here is an alternative to those tasty sandwiches. Slightly healthier. Enjoy!

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The universe hates me. Or, maybe it’s allergic to me…

So, friends, I did not raise the funds to get a booth at the Body, Mind, Spirit expo this year. Thanks anyway, Toolie (I will put the money to good Drunk Tarot use and buy a new deck) . I will keep the fund open for future live events. I did purchase a ticket to go anyway and then the universe decided I was mistaken. There is still tomorrow and here's hoping it goes better. I'm not optimistic, but, whatever. In that spirit and in leu of a reading or report on the event I thought I would write a few thank you notes to those who contributed to the day.

Dear Texas, you killed our car and now you are trying to kill me. Does it really have to be this freaking hot? Are you having a contest with the other states to see how many chubby middle-aged women you can knock off? At any rate, I thank you for reminding me of my mortality. I had forgotten for a nanosecond that I was human. Nothing says people like getting violently ill on the Lady Bird Trail.

Dear Texans, thank you for turning a blind eye toward the beet red woman stumbling toward the river to either pass out, throw up, or do a combination of those ungraceful things. It would have been so embarrassing to have been offered assistance when I was obviously desperately in need of it.

Dear Woman Knocking On The Door Of The Bathroom, thank you for adding extra stress to my public bathroom nightmare. I really needed to be sped along as I got sick in multiple ways and then consequently cleaned up after myself. That was truly special to me. I will cherish the memory of the sound of your knuckles beating at the door of one of six bathrooms while I shouted out that I needed a few moments to be sick. As a favor to you I shaved a few minutes off of my time there by leaving the bathroom in a state you richly deserve.

Dear Universe, we have a special relationship, don't we? You try to screw me in a myriad of ways every single year and I defy you at every turn. I realize now that this latest cock block is your subtle attempt at reminding me I need to be a fucking shut in. In retrospect we are both to blame. I mean, what was I thinking having fish stew for dinner? I appreciate you looking out for me. Who needs to actually have interactions with other like-minded human beings? Who needs to be able to keep up an exercise routine that would give me the energy to achieve some of my dreams and goals? Except, What The Fuck, Universe? I actually do want some of those things, plus things like basic human dignities and the building blocks of life(food, water, shelter). I'm not asking that they be handed to me, rather I want to earn them doing things I'm good at, so, please, universe back the fuck up and give me some room. Thank you in advance.

Dear Faithful (13) readers, I saved the best for last. I sincerely thank you for putting up with my shenanigans day after day, week after week. Thank you for listening and commenting and validating this one thing that gives me a small measure of joy. Thank you for making me work harder at writing. Thank you for human interaction. I really do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Keep looking because I promise I will keep attempting to make you laugh.

P.S. when I said I wanted punch, universe, I meant this:

Not this :

P.P.S. The name of the drink is Groin Punch. I still want it. Even though I know with my luck I would light my face on fire.

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Jordan didn’t ask, but he’s getting one anyway…

A reading, that is. He did have an entertaining question regarding the reason life sucks so much sometimes. He self-prescribes a move to Barsoom, which seems reasonable but a little impractical so I thought I would take the cards for a spin and see if they had any wisdom to offer. But first, a map, so you won't get lost. Enjoy!:

The Earth: The Lovers; reversed shows it's no secret what drives your recent relocation plans. You feel you have been less than successful in recent artistic, career, and personal endeavors. Here is some very earthy advice my father used to offer me when these moods would darken my perspective. Suck it up! Alternately, and twice as earthy, when I would crash and burn at an athletic pursuit and inevitably injure myself, my mother would offer this advice; rub some dirt on it. You know what I mean. It may feel like the weight of the world is coming down on you, but it's not true. It's nothing more than you can handle, friend.

Fire: King of Pentacles; reversed reveals that there is a particular person in your life who amplifies feelings of insecurity. This older man makes you feel small, and that's a tall order. Ok, enough with tall people jokes. Seriously, walk tall. Ok that was the last one for real. You can let others keep you down or you can dig deep for your own inspiration and allow that inspiration to fuel confidence. Your motives are pure. Trust in them.

Air: Four of Wands; reversed tells of your aspirations. On the surface, there is the temptation to simply revel in future prospects of big…boned Barsoom women. Honestly, the siren call of green (ok all the hot women are apparently not green. Details.) alien strange is almost irresistable but your passenger list for the trip to Barsoom tells a higher truth. You hold family loyalty in the highest esteem.

Water: Seven of Wands reveals a trend that is a clue to the answer of your question. This card says you are a warrior in any world you inhabit so you might as well stake out your battle ground here and get fighting for a better life. In the immortal words of Rowdy Roddy Piper in the classic sci-fi “They Live”: “It's time to kick ass and chew bubble-gum and I am all out of gum.” Best. Line delivery. Ever.

In other words, go get 'em Tiger! Hope this totally unsolicited piece of nonsense helps you get through the day. Much hugs.

A note for my faithful readers: don't forget to contribute to the effort to make Drunk Tarot a live act at:

http://www.gofundme.com/TheDrunkTarotRoadShow

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