So, friends, I did not raise the funds to get a booth at the Body, Mind, Spirit expo this year. Thanks anyway, Toolie (I will put the money to good Drunk Tarot use and buy a new deck) . I will keep the fund open for future live events. I did purchase a ticket to go anyway and then the universe decided I was mistaken. There is still tomorrow and here's hoping it goes better. I'm not optimistic, but, whatever. In that spirit and in leu of a reading or report on the event I thought I would write a few thank you notes to those who contributed to the day.
Dear Texas, you killed our car and now you are trying to kill me. Does it really have to be this freaking hot? Are you having a contest with the other states to see how many chubby middle-aged women you can knock off? At any rate, I thank you for reminding me of my mortality. I had forgotten for a nanosecond that I was human. Nothing says people like getting violently ill on the Lady Bird Trail.
Dear Texans, thank you for turning a blind eye toward the beet red woman stumbling toward the river to either pass out, throw up, or do a combination of those ungraceful things. It would have been so embarrassing to have been offered assistance when I was obviously desperately in need of it.
Dear Woman Knocking On The Door Of The Bathroom, thank you for adding extra stress to my public bathroom nightmare. I really needed to be sped along as I got sick in multiple ways and then consequently cleaned up after myself. That was truly special to me. I will cherish the memory of the sound of your knuckles beating at the door of one of six bathrooms while I shouted out that I needed a few moments to be sick. As a favor to you I shaved a few minutes off of my time there by leaving the bathroom in a state you richly deserve.
Dear Universe, we have a special relationship, don't we? You try to screw me in a myriad of ways every single year and I defy you at every turn. I realize now that this latest cock block is your subtle attempt at reminding me I need to be a fucking shut in. In retrospect we are both to blame. I mean, what was I thinking having fish stew for dinner? I appreciate you looking out for me. Who needs to actually have interactions with other like-minded human beings? Who needs to be able to keep up an exercise routine that would give me the energy to achieve some of my dreams and goals? Except, What The Fuck, Universe? I actually do want some of those things, plus things like basic human dignities and the building blocks of life(food, water, shelter). I'm not asking that they be handed to me, rather I want to earn them doing things I'm good at, so, please, universe back the fuck up and give me some room. Thank you in advance.
Dear Faithful (13) readers, I saved the best for last. I sincerely thank you for putting up with my shenanigans day after day, week after week. Thank you for listening and commenting and validating this one thing that gives me a small measure of joy. Thank you for making me work harder at writing. Thank you for human interaction. I really do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Keep looking because I promise I will keep attempting to make you laugh.
Not this :
P.P.S. The name of the drink is Groin Punch. I still want it. Even though I know with my luck I would light my face on fire.