Category Archives: drunk


Spring Done Sprung


Sring done sprung and love is in the air, or perhaps pheromones. Probably pheromones, but, let's pretend for one moment I'm not a cynic. So, love is in the air, and I drew a Cups spread for all you lovebirds. Let's see what the fertility bunny has brought us today:

What lies beneath: in the foundations position I see the Ace of Swords. This could go either way, my beauties; either bliss or torture. You either have the most wonderful sugar daddy or momma ever, or you are being chained in the basement against your will. In that case, kudos for breaking free long enough to read this garbage. Surely, there are better uses of your time, but who am I to judge.

Who you are, here and now: in the querent position I see the Lovers card, reversed. Hmm, coincidence? Perhaps. One thing's certain, you have love on your mind. You have taken your quarterly shower, slapped on some patchouli, and you are ready to venture forth in search of a nest you can share with some other lovely chickadee.

What stands in your way: in the obstacles position, I see the Nine of Swords. I'm taking the band-aide approach here. The object of your affection is not only less than interested , but really, really, has other crap on his or her mind. Things like how best to design a tin foiled hat to maximize defense against alien intrusion while still looking cute. Trust me, if you end up with this one, they're a fixer-upper.

What you hope for: in the aspirations position we have the Four of Wands card. I see you searching for stability in an inherently unstable person or situation. You want a non-traditional union, a happy little Manson family minus the crazy murder, plus the polyamory. Give it a shot. It works sometimes, I guess.

What has already happened: in the past position we've got the Two of Cups. Now the picture becomes clearer. When I was a teenager, I watched the Brady Bunch with a fresh perspective. I started to wonder if there was some sort of “special” relationship between Mr. And Mrs. Brady, and that maid of theirs. It seemed like they were too close. But, like, completely natural about it. I'm thinking now, that you, dear reader, are looking for your own Alice to add to the mix of an already sweet gig. Again, can't hurt to try. Well, maybe it can hurt, but it might be fun anyway.

What comes next: in the future position, we have the Eight of Pentacles. Some people have all the luck. Looks like you just might get your cake and eat it, too. What ever crazy stew your cooking will be deelish. That love adventure you want to have will most likely happen just as you want it to. To that, I say; screw tradition.

And here's hoping you have a better time with that than I can even imagine. I'm imagining it right now….wait, screw you! My opinion about love is that it's stupid, and messy, and worth it, and a crock of shit, and totally worth it. Get what you want, need, and makes you happy. You are a brave soul, and I commend you. It is my earnest opinion, however, and I'm pretty sure the J. Geils band will back me up here, that love stinks.



Thursday Morning Chit Chat (With Myself[mostly]) Because I’m Pissed Off


Just a four card draw. Because I said so, that's why. No reason. Shut up, “I said so” is too a good reason! Ok, ok, just do it already.

So, after this brief conversation, I drew four cards. In all honesty despondency led me to it. I'm hunkering down for a week-end in bed. Yes, starting on Thursday, my feelings are sore. I'm talking soup in bed, pretend I have the flu DESPONDENCY. Woke up to the news that a show verrrrrrry similar to one of mine has come out and opens this week. How does this keep happening???????? And WHY???????? So, I turn to the cards today before I lock myself in the bunker. Here's what they have to say:

Right off, we start with a bang. In the Earth position of the Elements spread I have the Chariot card reversed. Well, duh, “Yes, yes, I am stuck on the side of the road with four flat tires, thank you for noticing, Criagslist Killer. Oh, this looks like an opportunity for exploitation? Yeah, you would think that. Move along, creep, nothing to see here.” is what this card seems to scream. What I am screaming these days mostly is aimed at myself and it sounds like this: ” Yes, yes, that is a terrifically original idea. Now, STFU until you get it on paper and with copy-write, you fool!” I'm notoriously harsh on myself.

Next card up, in the Fire position is the King of Swords. This is nice because the cards really do understand my feelings. Of course I am fueled by a sense of injustice! Of course I want credit for what's mine. Duh, duh, and duh. Soooooo tired of telling people my ideas and seeing them lived out in other peoples work. That's just terrific. No, I don't think I'll be able to make it to your show featuring my work uncredited. I'll be staying home to lick the cats butt instead, because honestly, that sounds like more fun. Watch out, imitators, the King of Swords card says “I know what's up, and I'm coming for you. With a sword. Because I'm the king of them.” the King of Swords sounds remarkably like MojoJojo.

Now, in the Air position, that which influences me is King of Pentacles. The problem is I just want to work. I want to work so bad that I share my ideas to entice people to work with me. I need to knock that the fuck off, because obviously it isn't getting things done. People like my ideas. A lot. Obviously. It also hints at intelligence and ability combined in one solidly crazy package. Well, the crazy part is spot on.

Last card up in the Water position is Eight of Wands. So, the Eight of Wands is the card which links the past with the future. So, I am leaning to a bright new hope. New ideas and new work is on the horizon. These endeavors promise to be original and interesting. No matter what lies in the past this promises a fresh new beginning full of good work. And if I share any of these new ideas before they are ready then may I be beaten with all eight of these wands simultaneously.


Between a Rock and a Hard Place, or, Viagra; is it over-rated?


I just wanted to pull three cards today and these are the ones I got. Very interesting. Mostly just funny. You pays yer money, you takes yer chances:

So, let’s start with the grand poo-bah here, The Emperor card.He’s in the past position, representing the recent past and the circumstances that have led you to this point in your life. He’s a good looking guy settled in his ways, solid,dependable, and a bit beyond looking sew his wild oats. He’s figured a few things out. One of those things is how to calculate compound interest. I think that’s the least sexy thing I can think of, but maybe that’s just me. This looks to be the root of todays dilemma. Nothing says turn-off like a guy way too into old guy stuff.

Next up is the Six of Cups, reversed in the present position. Hmmm, With this card, it suggests a comeuppance. That’s a little worrisome. Someone here will get what’s due. I got Aretha Franklin’s R-E-S-P-E-C-T running through my mind. “ooo your kisses sweet as honey, but guess what, so’s my money”. Somebody’s angling to get some. And I ain’t talking about interest. I would suggest a healthy dose of respect.

Three of Cups, reversed in the future position. This reading is all about the love. Someone wants it. Someone isn’t getting it. My advice? Take some aspirin for that head-ache, shake that stick out of your butt, and deliver. You’ll get no peace until you do.

That’s my reading for the day. Anybody have any requests? Any burning questions? Shoot ’em my way and I will gleefully, sarcastically, hilariously answer them. Yours in service to the absurd-Googy Ballyhoo


Of Dimwits and Frogs


Hey all you crazy people, how's tricks? I have a special post for a special new friend out there today. He's a funny guy, but he's not himself lately. He's on a journey of self-discovery that will require a Sherpa and a few dozen frogs, maybe a pint of whiskey.

This one's for you, my favorite Dimwit (his title, not mine, before I get threatening letters about disparaging the disabled[which I would never, ever do]{unless your disability happens to be being an asshole, in which case, fair game}):

Straight to business. First card in an elementals spread is Ten of Wands reversed and is in the Earth position. That bed of nails you've been sleeping on is not doing you any favors. Bed of nails is not the same as acupuncture. Also the hair shirt is overkill. If you want to punish yourself try the last twelve seasons of Veggie Tales uninterrupted, that should be payment enough for your sins. Or, you know, take it easy on yourself. This card represents your foundation, your recent past, and I see a fair amount of conflict. It suggests that you have been in an ass-kicking contest with yourself and everyone you know with your own ass as the target. Simply step away from the fight. Your ass could use the rest.

Next card is Queen of Swords in the Air position. This card represents your true intentions, or higher aspirations. Lots of deep thought going on here about right and wrong, good and bad. In a world where David Hasselhoff spent a brief time (even ten minutes is fifteen minutes too long) at the top of the charts in Germany, who is to say what truly is right and wrong? I mean, this guy was in a Spongebob movie, how bad could he really be? On the other hand there's that whole hamburger freak out. See what I'm saying? Wait, sorry, this is about you, Dimwit, back to you. What I'm trying to say is, it's all relative to your personal perspective. It's good to have drive that is linked to a higher purpose, but don't let it drive you.

King of Wands is the next card in the Fire position. The recurring themes in this reading are chicks and sticks. Hmmmm, what could it mean? Either an unhealthy obsession with weapons and women, or, more likely, you are driven by honest motives and there are some truly terrific women out there supporting your ambitions. I know I don't have to remind you to recognize. This card speaks volumes about your personal integrity. You've got it in spades. Do take stock once in a while to make sure you're staying true to yourself.

Last card is a doozy. High Priestess in the Water place. Mystery upon mystery. That which you are seeking remains elusive. Or, maybe it means you are good at the tease, the build up. I think that may be it. That or the Mid-frog Nights Dream is set to go for your next project. Do I hear wedding croaks? Take it easy, Dimwit, and don't take any wooden nickels.

Holiday Beer, Fear…Cheer…Something like that.


What do the holidays hold in store for us? If you are like me you would rather strap 39 live cats to your body and jump in the shower than celebrate the holidays, especially if relatives are involved. I mean, come on, I cannot be the only one who's Grandma declares the whole family cray cray, then does a striptease, even though she is stone cold sober. Ahem. Moving on. Since this reading involves not only the holidays but the coming new year I feel it is appropriate to torture you with the zodiac spread. And by torture I mean buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy read. Seriously, this might suck. It's been a long time and I'm rusty.

Querent: The Sun card depicts all the turns you have taken on the great big spin we have made around the globe in the last 365 days. Its natural for you to feel a bit dizzy. For whatever reason, you have felt a special significance in the passing of time and your hurtle through space this year. Perhaps is is the first time in your life that you thought of the earth as a time machine that we are collectively breaking with pollution and contagious stupidity. Or maybe your Doctor Who fascination has just reached a new pinnacle of bonkers. No one likes the bowtie. It looks good on one person on earth and his name rhymes with Schloctor Schloo.

Gemini: The Magician(reversed) suggests it's been a rough year for you in terms of communicating with others. Not a lot of people actually speak Klingon, so there's that. Also, Ixney on the Igpey Atenley. You might try using the native tongue of the area you live in this year. Couldn't hurt.

Cancer: Two of Cups(reversed) signifies that below the cool exterior of your Spock persona lies a smoldering Tango-dancing sex god. It might also suggest a more intimate relationship with food than is strictly healthy. In other words, stop eating your feelings. They taste like ashes and the tears of baby unicorns anyway, and that. can't be good. Not that I would know from personal experience…

Leo: Three of Cups shows that you have enjoyed a healthy, happy love life. Screw you and your domestic bliss. I am NOT jealous. I'm sure your spouse isn't at all the degenerate gambler that I heard they were. And I just know if they heard about that restraining order that Jennifer Love Hewitt filed against you they would totally understand.

Virgo: Five of Wands(reversed) says you better use that can of whoop ass you've been saving before it expires. Which it totally will before the years end. Got a beef with the mother-in-law? Throw down now and you will likely win. Your boss punking you? Introduce his butt to your boot. Long story short, you are hot to trot right now. Just don't try kicking your own ass or it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum because you just cannot lose.

Libra: Two of Pentacles reveals a tendency to live out the imagined in the real world. They have a name for that. Clinically it's known as dumbassery. Or also as Get-Off-The-Cross-We-Need-The-Wood syndrome. The recommended treatment is to retract your head from your own rectum. What I mean is, things seem worse than they are because you are imagining them to be. Nothing is as bad as it seems right now. Furthermore, don't buy into any Nigerian Prince schemes. Be extra careful about anything suggested to you in correspondence. If someone sends you a chia pet unsolicited, don't do it. Dollars to donuts those are pot seeds, not chia seeds.

Scorpio: The Chariot(reversed) hint that hot times are to come in the old town tonight. Or the immediate future. By hot I mean buy riot gear and hunker down because things are about to get ugly. I don't know what you did in a past life to deserve this year but I suggest you repent. It's just a wild and hairy one and I don't blame you for *feeling like kicking puppies through an electric fan.

Sagittarius: Nine of Cups shows that hope is in sight. That collectible set of My Little Pony figurines you've been bidding on will be YOURS. Maybe that's what you are saving the can of whoop ass for. Who knows. I can only offer the advice my grandmother gave me before leaving for college: “Eat more fruit than cheese. Also, never spit in the wind”. Seriously, that's all I've got.

Capricorn: Eight of Cups says again that what you thought was important is of no consequence. Instead of speaking to your emotional life, however, this card is referencing your work. The guy taking your lunch from the fridge? Most likely your boss, so let it goooo. Besides, that's what you get for having a monopoly on the very last Twinkies on earth.

Aquarius: Death is a card that represents change rather than actual termination of life, so don't get your panties in a bunch. I have to say, overall this reading sucks. I wouldn't want to be the person for whom it is intended. If I were you, what I would do ten minutes after reading this is hunker down with your remaining Twinkie stash and don't come out again until this whole Mayan calendar fiasco has run its course. What I would do ten minutes preceding that is mail me half of your Twinkie stash and leave me the rest in your will.

Pisces: Ten of Swords is for the win. Sort of. Seriously, who did you piss off? This is the last card on the reading so I desperately want it to be a smiley face, but it just isn't. Does Acme still make anvils? My advice to you is don't go outside without a lead umbrella. In fact, Just stay inside.And so ends my holiday reading, not with a bang, but a warning.

I have so enjoyed writing these and I will continue to write them when I am not deep in study of academic bullshit. Thank you for yor comments, likes, and general support. Also, please forgive me for the sloppy formatting asBlogsy is determined to melt my tolerance for technology.


They’re Magically Suspicious…or Morri-Oreo’s Weirdness Woes.


So, Morri tells me she is worried about the general atmosphere of weirdness surrounding her right now. My first thought is that she might have gremlins or evil leprechauns lurking around, just out of eyesight. Then I realized that made no sense whatsoever and consulted the cards. Just in case, though, I hear you can throw shoes at leprechauns and they will be compelled to stop and cobble them. If it’s gremlins you’re screwed, I know nothing about them.

Significator: Page of Pentacles; reversed is the card which represents the querent. I see a young woman being held back from a craft or artistic endeavor she is truly good at. It could be you lost that jumbo box of crayons you depended on. Perhaps you have misplaced your macramé mojo. Whatever the case, at your core you are an artist. Remove the road block between you and your creative life and you will be closer to the person you are meant to be.

What Crosses You: Seven of Swords represents the obstacles you face in your given situation. Speaking of obstacles, have you ever tried to type a sentence while your children chatter like howler monkeys in the middle of a three day bender? It’s exactly as easy as it sounds. Moving on. Your obstacles are complex, yet consistent. They have to do with how you view yourself versus how those around you see you. It is confusing to even those who have known you all your life that you look like an angel yet your inner thoughts would do Wednesday Adams proud.

What Covers You: Ace of Cups is a lovely card denoting the presense of magical forest animals that sing while they carry out your every household chore. Or do your evil bidding, which frankly seems more likely. Just don’t get carried away with your evil bidding. I think there are forest animal union rules. In all seriousness you appear to have a guardian angel watching over you. No matter how weird people get around you, you have a protective bubble.

What Crowns You: Strength always reminds me of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz smacking the crap out of the Lion for trying to scare Toto. In this case your ideals are Dorothy and your fears are the Lion. I don’t know who the hell Toto is. Why you gotta do yourself that way? You know you’re right, and you know you can get through this tough time.

What is Beneath You: The World hints at having a bed of roses beneath your feet. Either that or fertilizer. Or corn chips. Doesn’t really matter. What matters is you have a strong foundation and a position of strength.

What is Behind You: Death card is never the grim reaper breathing down your neck. That’s good news too, because death as a heavy breather is triple creepy. This card, instead represents a recent loss in a heated game of old maid. It is possible I could be mixing this up with a relatives well intentioned, yet mind- fuckingly bad attempt at setting you up on a blind date.

What Lies Before You: Nine of Wands means you have a few fights to win in the near future. You are ready for it, too, got your brass knuckles ready and everything. The wish for your kin to see you married off is the low level white noise sound track to the up coming battle. Keep cool, mamma, they mean well.

The Querent: Five of Wands represents a shift in perspective for you. Although you used to strictly believe in art for arts sake you are now seeing the value in charging what your time and talent are worth. About damn time. You are also using a new marketing approach which is good because those velvet Elvis paintings won’t sell themselves.

Your House:Five of Cups usually indicates a union, or marriage. In this case, with all these wands I believe this is a card that represents a union between idealism of the past and a new acceptance of the benefits of commerce. You get that money, honey, it’s good!

Hopes and Fears: Eight of Wands gives me a clear picture of the cause of strife. The time has come, baby bird, for you to leave the nest. The problem is, instead of shoving you over the side and hoping for the best, mamma bird has tied you to another egg in the nest. You know you need to go, she knows, everybody knows. It’s weird for you and everyone around. It’s going to be weird until the time comes when you can start a life of your own. The trick is letting them know this doesn’t mean you will lose your close relationship.

Outcome: The Hermit shows it is time to knit a hair shirt, abandon hygene habits, and move into a cave. Not really. The hermit holds in his hand a lantern illustrating the need to illuminate a dark path. If you feel you are trying to find your way in the dark perhaps you need time to yourself to contemplate what comes next. It is tempting to reach out for others when you find yourself lost, but you need to work this out on your own. You have the strength, the skill and the wisdom to do what needs to be done. Trust yourself and assure your friends and family they are always your rock solid foundation.

By far the least funny and most complex spread yet. That’s why it took so damn long. Hope it helps, Morri-bear!


Nocturnal Emissions


Silvana is troubled by the disturbing habit of drooling during naps. Again, the easy answer was tempting, but that would cut things short here and I am four-square for ridiculous side tracking rants that mean nothing. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

Earth:Strength; this card is in the foundation position which paints a picture of power on the querent/droolers part. I might also suggest that you examine your before-nap entertainment. I suspect a penchant for romance novels that feature strong male pirate types. In keeping with the pirate fetish I will commece with the rest of the reading using nautical speak, er, matey. What yea be needin is reading material of a more puritanical sort. Might I suggest Parrots Weekly? The pirates pets horoscopes are mighty entertaining.

Air: Queen of Wands; reversed is a sign that the seas are calm and the sky is clear metaphorically speaking. There be no illnesses causing yer condition. You are as stout as oak! As a favor to you I consulted a medical journal which suggested that you might want to batten down the hatches while you sleep. In landlubber speak that translates to closing your mouth. If you are also snoring you might want to consider this product. Or this. If you wake up out of breath and looking like this consult yer ships doc who will most likely recommend this.

Fire: The Emperor is indicative of a wholesome attitude toward earthly matters, which says to me you need to embrace your nap-time drooling. What’s wrong with a little drooling between shipmates! Don’t take that the wrong way, mate. I just realized I sounded a little like a salty sea dog getting fresh. The next section should clear things up.

Water: Four of Cups is shouting at me that you are seriously looking for a way out of this current trend. I feel your pain, I do, but there’s nothing to be done about rough seas, death, taxes, or drooling. My best suggestion? Invest in terry cloth pillow cases. That’s all I have for you, love. Until next time, cheers!


Scott and Finances


Scott asks about his finances. Well, he asked “Why is money?” but I refuse to answer that. So instead I will tell about his personal relationship to money.I will not reveal his illustrious past of blowing money on rare pokeman cards and soft ball uniforms that I can only hope are for his gal. Don’t look at me like I’m judging, it’s in the cards! I chose a pentacles spread because of the fiscal nature of the question.

The Querent: Seven of Pentacles; reversed gets things started in a bold and upfront manner. I see you, the querent, locked in a nightmare where you are being chased by oversized quarters and dollar bills. They look really cartoony and also mad. You are, strangely, wearing a kilt which is remarkably hard to run in. I don’t know what any of this means, but, the best thing to do in any nightmare is to confront your fears. Lock yourself in your Mr. Moneypants vault and obsessivley count your gold coins like a normal person. Oh, you don’t have one of those? I guess you could just keep an eye on spending and make a tight budget that alleviates your money anxiety but that doesn’t seem nearly as cool.

Foundations: Five of Swords demonstrates a need to guard the (aforementioned) vault. Or the family check book. Either way, make a fortress out of ice and hunker down. Listen to poems about trees and shit, Yes, yes, that was a Super-Man reference. Because I’m hip like that.Things look tough, my friend, and not in a cool, ultimate gladiator kind of way. This is a time where your skills at monopoly will best be utilized. Or perhaps you should just play monopoly and skip date night until the economy picks up.

Aspirations: The King of Pentacles is tha mac-daddy of money matters. The dude on the card is sitting on a throne with flowers growing out of it and a castle in the back ground. He is holding a staff in one hand(symbol of virility, cough, cough) and the worlds biggest novelty coin in the other. He is clearly the money king. He can buy anything with that coin. If I was him I’d buy a lottery ticket with it. Which is why I live without a car and our phone is out. Whatever. Bygones. It’s good to dream big, it’s good to take chances, as long as you keep plugging away at your day job until you make it big. (script submission, cough, cough)

Obstructions: Four of Cups reveals that you are being held back by an undiagnosed case of assheimers syndrome. In case you are unfamiliar with the illness, symptoms include a tendency to forget recent endowments, a general dissatisfaction with success, and a propensity toward party poopery. Have your friends dubbed you Captain Buzz-Kill? Do co-workers go to Chili’s for lunch without you? Do you find your self having an almost irresistable urge to kick puppys into electric fans? If so, knock it off! No one appreciates a gloomy Gus. Pretty sure no one appreciates that name at all. GloomyGus, GloomyGus, GloomyGus…that’s fun to say, but a terrible title. Wait, we’re getting no where. Listen, just look up from your cubicle once in a while and belt out an excerpt of an Alanis Morissette tune. The bewildered look on your co-workers faces will surely cheer you up.

The Past: Five of Cups hints at a strange fascination with chupacabras. I suspect there is nothing you wouldn’t do to catch a sighting of it/him. How do you tell the gender of a chubacabra? I would suggest extreme caution in this undertaking. If you find one stick to taking pictures of it and feeding it In-N-Out burgers which are known to be its favorite. It likes them animal style, naturally. It also likes them with fries and a large Dr. Pepper. Stick to the single, though, because the chupacabra is a known calorie counter. It also has a fondness for Takis but they give the chupacabra gas so I wouldn’t recommend them if you are going to be hanging out playing WoW. I bet you didn’t know chupacabra was such a cheap date. Now you know. And knowledge is power.

The Future: Three of Swords; reversed has me concerned, old friend. Alien abduction is always a legitimate concern, but this card tells me you should be stock piling dehydrated water and strapping yourself into bed at night. They are coming for you, man, and there is nothing they like better than a good old-fashioned probing party. This is a time where a friendship with a chupacabra would really come in handy because they are scrappy! Chupacabra, I mean, not aliens. Aliens are apparently kind of wimpy physically, but are expert at mind control. Make the tin foil hat now because I really think you might need it soon. Also, attend a few parties, make connections at work because aliens love nothing better than a person with few connections.


It’s come to this, has it?


Jamila asks about kilts, in particular, why are kilts. I sigh deeply now. I was trying not to learn anything over the summer break but then, this question. Dang it, I learned something. Mainly I learned that being a sucker is a mutual liability with this post. Let’s get started, shall we?

Past: Two of Cups reveals a harmonious balance between past and present in regard to this , let’s face it, garment that is basically a skirt for men. Don’t argue with me, you know I’m right. Let me tell you about it’s history. I bore you with my knowlege now. That’s what you get. The kilt was first documented as a formal fashion for men in Scotland in the 16th century. No one says why men thought it was a good idea to play sports, do battle, and socialize in a garment that leaves your undercarraige completely open to attack. Regardless it went over like gangbusters. What are gangbusters? Why are they popular? How could they possibly be popular if no one knows what they are? One could very well ask the same thing about kilts.

Present: Nine of Cups is a card of success, mastery over others and smugness. The kilt is laughing at us for bringing it back from the brink of obscurity. We know how ridiculous it has made us look throughout history and yet we come back to it again and again as it if were a bad boyfriend/girlfriend we just could not quit. It was all well and good when we relegated it to weddings. I mean, it is the god-given right of every bride to humiliate the crap out of her intended groom. But this is just taking things entirely too far. Who the hell wants power tools combined with skirts? Is it weird I kinda want a utilikilt?

Future: Queen of Swords; reversed indicates that the querent needs to excersise caution around kilts. The kilt is a tricky, lying, deceitful scrap of tartan that will lead you down a thistle path while your tender bits are exposed. Eight traditional yards of fabric may seem like alot, but they fit no one. How is that possible you ask? I suspect tardis technology in reverse. It actually covers less surface area that there is of it. Stay away or you will end up more exposed than you are wearing a hospital gown.

This concludes my series of “why are” segments. I’m not going to lie, I could do these all day, but why beat a dead horse? Hope you enjoyed it and keep the questions coming.


Klees wants to know!


“Why are pants?” Klees asks. Well, I believe her question was first in the que. I’m sorry, my pink, Canadian tart, that it has taken me so very long to answer your query. It’s just such a deep question that I thought I would give it the consideration it deserves. At first I was tempted to give my dear friend a flip answer utilized by such deep-thinking greats as Plato (citation needed) ;”Why not?”. But that would be too easy and not in line at all with the serious work ethic expected of a person who types this very sentence while still in pajamas. With that in mind I picked the most complex card spread I knew of. I give you the Zodiac Spread:

Querent: Three of Wands tells us that pants are indeed a long standing tradition in polite society. They lend the wearer an air of respectability that no other garment can. Pants say “I bothered to cover my lower half in a way that does not at all encourage laughter”. Pants determine ones family standing. In my family no one wears the pants, we are very egalitarian that way. This is the essential “what” of pants. It’s all well and good to learn the why but without exploring the who, where when and what, then we haven’t truly learned anything about pants.

Aries: Six of Pentacles is the card I drew for this card position which represents the querents current thoughts and ideas about pants. I can access from this card that the querent has a complicated relationship with pants. Perhaps you have been burned by past ridiculous pant fashions that you could not in good conscience buy. The current neon trend leaps to mind. Perhaps you, like many women, find yourself intimidated by the mind boggling selection of truly good pants that in no way fit you. Whatever the case, I want to explore the issue to the fullest extent possible in the time I have between heating up a frozen burrito and bothering to shower.

Taurus: The Star hints at a possible reconciliation between one particular pair of pants and the querent. I have my fingers crossed for you two! You would be such a cute couple! I picture picnics in the park, long walks on the beach, and one to three years of uninterrupted bliss before you wear your pants out and you have to start this whole, crazy mess all over again. It’s the circle of life. Accept it and move on. If they meant so much to you, give the pants a proper burial at Good Will where they will give new hope to some teenager who is not so finicky about grass stains and sand damage. I will tell you this about pants; there seriously is no such thing as a magical pair that fits everyone in an eclectic and perky group of friends. That’s just pure bullshit right there and in no way should be tolerated.

Gemini: Two of Wands gives us a bleak picture of your future dealings with pants. This whole reading has been a peek into your inner world in regard to pants. Why so bitter? What is the disillusionment about really? How you you feel about ponchos? My guess is, not as conflicted. Take some time to thoroughly examine your feelings on the matter. Make peace with your inner pant wearing self or you are bound for fashion disappointment.

Cancer: Ten of Wands points to intrigue. How surprising! You and pants are headed for a spy adventure. I see… a lost pair of pants that is hiding from you. Have you checked in the well? Things are always getting lost there, mainly little children named Timmy, so it’s worth a look. It is also helpful to have a collie that specializes in tracking lost anythings. At any rate they are somewhere in your house. Either that or the pants that reshape that junk in your trunk just the way you like will arrive in the mail soon. Either that or you are hiding a true love of pants underneath a steely anti-pants exterior. I see therapy in the near future for fashion related trauma. It’ll be me in therapy talking about this reading. Thanks for that. As if I wasn’t crazy enough. Now I have pants drama.

Leo: Four of Cups; reversed leads me to believe you have been using your pants wrong your whole life which could account for your feelings of resentment and ambiguity. Consult a specialist. Watch some Youtube videos. I suspect there is a novel approach to pants you just haven’t thought of. It’s an exciting time for you and pants to meet in the middle and blaze a new path. You will have friends and neighbors marveling at your unique use of the pant. However you go about it, remember it is a partnership.

Virgo: Queen of Wands; reversed depicts that pants have been on your team for a while now but haven’t had the proper chance to show it. You need to listen! Good relationships are always about listening more than you talk so get to work on that! Also know that the perfect pair of pants need not be expensive. You may be overlooking the perfect pair because of a misguided notion that good pants are pricey pants.

Scorpio: Strength card gives us the opportunity to discuss power differentials. You wear the pants, the pants do not wear you. Repeat this mantra and you are certain to feel better in no time. Say it with me; “I wear the pants, the pants do not wear me”. Good, now go take a hot bubble bath and come back after to read the rest. Actually it is I that went to take a bubble bath and you didn’t know it until just now because you have no way to judge the passage of time from my perspective. Trippy, right? Stick with it, we’re almost done.

Sagittarius: Five of Cups; reversed means that you were out of line that time you borrowed that pair of pants from your best friend in high school. You have racked up a karmic debt that will be hard to rectify. I do not envy you the time you will spend in your next life dealing with this. Make amends now.

Capricorn: Justice sheds light on nothing really. I’m just as confused as I was fourteen words ago. Have you broken the law regarding pants? Did you leave the house without them? Is that against the law where you live? Because if it’s a problem you encounter regularly I suggest you move to Austin, TX where laws regarding nudity are lax and liberal. You will be sorry, as I was, when the first nudist you lay eyes on is the silver speedo guy riding his bike. And you will see him, because he is everywhere you never want to be. There is no such thing as eye bleach either. Or brain bleach. I really, really searched.

Aquarius: Queen of Swords suggests a need for a discussion about camel-toe. There was no delicate way to put that. If you decide to wear pants, which, after this ordeal, I doubt you will, I suggest this device. I’m sorry to have to do that to you, but I have just seen too much I can’t unsee and I would hate to send you out into the pants world unprepared and improperly groomed.

Pisces: Three of Cups gives us a final picture of satisfaction, happiness, completion. I fear it I can actually detect a note of joy coming through the computer at the prospect of my finally wrapping this monstrosity up. It has been a log, hard road we have traveled and we are finally at the end. Thank the maker you worship that my crazy ramblings have come to an end. Now you know never ever again to ask me a dumb question.