“Why are pants?” Klees asks. Well, I believe her question was first in the que. I’m sorry, my pink, Canadian tart, that it has taken me so very long to answer your query. It’s just such a deep question that I thought I would give it the consideration it deserves. At first I was tempted to give my dear friend a flip answer utilized by such deep-thinking greats as Plato (citation needed) ;”Why not?”. But that would be too easy and not in line at all with the serious work ethic expected of a person who types this very sentence while still in pajamas. With that in mind I picked the most complex card spread I knew of. I give you the Zodiac Spread:
Querent: Three of Wands tells us that pants are indeed a long standing tradition in polite society. They lend the wearer an air of respectability that no other garment can. Pants say “I bothered to cover my lower half in a way that does not at all encourage laughter”. Pants determine ones family standing. In my family no one wears the pants, we are very egalitarian that way. This is the essential “what” of pants. It’s all well and good to learn the why but without exploring the who, where when and what, then we haven’t truly learned anything about pants.
Aries: Six of Pentacles is the card I drew for this card position which represents the querents current thoughts and ideas about pants. I can access from this card that the querent has a complicated relationship with pants. Perhaps you have been burned by past ridiculous pant fashions that you could not in good conscience buy. The current neon trend leaps to mind. Perhaps you, like many women, find yourself intimidated by the mind boggling selection of truly good pants that in no way fit you. Whatever the case, I want to explore the issue to the fullest extent possible in the time I have between heating up a frozen burrito and bothering to shower.
Taurus: The Star hints at a possible reconciliation between one particular pair of pants and the querent. I have my fingers crossed for you two! You would be such a cute couple! I picture picnics in the park, long walks on the beach, and one to three years of uninterrupted bliss before you wear your pants out and you have to start this whole, crazy mess all over again. It’s the circle of life. Accept it and move on. If they meant so much to you, give the pants a proper burial at Good Will where they will give new hope to some teenager who is not so finicky about grass stains and sand damage. I will tell you this about pants; there seriously is no such thing as a magical pair that fits everyone in an eclectic and perky group of friends. That’s just pure bullshit right there and in no way should be tolerated.
Gemini: Two of Wands gives us a bleak picture of your future dealings with pants. This whole reading has been a peek into your inner world in regard to pants. Why so bitter? What is the disillusionment about really? How you you feel about ponchos? My guess is, not as conflicted. Take some time to thoroughly examine your feelings on the matter. Make peace with your inner pant wearing self or you are bound for fashion disappointment.
Cancer: Ten of Wands points to intrigue. How surprising! You and pants are headed for a spy adventure. I see… a lost pair of pants that is hiding from you. Have you checked in the well? Things are always getting lost there, mainly little children named Timmy, so it’s worth a look. It is also helpful to have a collie that specializes in tracking lost anythings. At any rate they are somewhere in your house. Either that or the pants that reshape that junk in your trunk just the way you like will arrive in the mail soon. Either that or you are hiding a true love of pants underneath a steely anti-pants exterior. I see therapy in the near future for fashion related trauma. It’ll be me in therapy talking about this reading. Thanks for that. As if I wasn’t crazy enough. Now I have pants drama.
Leo: Four of Cups; reversed leads me to believe you have been using your pants wrong your whole life which could account for your feelings of resentment and ambiguity. Consult a specialist. Watch some Youtube videos. I suspect there is a novel approach to pants you just haven’t thought of. It’s an exciting time for you and pants to meet in the middle and blaze a new path. You will have friends and neighbors marveling at your unique use of the pant. However you go about it, remember it is a partnership.
Virgo: Queen of Wands; reversed depicts that pants have been on your team for a while now but haven’t had the proper chance to show it. You need to listen! Good relationships are always about listening more than you talk so get to work on that! Also know that the perfect pair of pants need not be expensive. You may be overlooking the perfect pair because of a misguided notion that good pants are pricey pants.
Scorpio: Strength card gives us the opportunity to discuss power differentials. You wear the pants, the pants do not wear you. Repeat this mantra and you are certain to feel better in no time. Say it with me; “I wear the pants, the pants do not wear me”. Good, now go take a hot bubble bath and come back after to read the rest. Actually it is I that went to take a bubble bath and you didn’t know it until just now because you have no way to judge the passage of time from my perspective. Trippy, right? Stick with it, we’re almost done.
Sagittarius: Five of Cups; reversed means that you were out of line that time you borrowed that pair of pants from your best friend in high school. You have racked up a karmic debt that will be hard to rectify. I do not envy you the time you will spend in your next life dealing with this. Make amends now.
Capricorn: Justice sheds light on nothing really. I’m just as confused as I was fourteen words ago. Have you broken the law regarding pants? Did you leave the house without them? Is that against the law where you live? Because if it’s a problem you encounter regularly I suggest you move to Austin, TX where laws regarding nudity are lax and liberal. You will be sorry, as I was, when the first nudist you lay eyes on is the silver speedo guy riding his bike. And you will see him, because he is everywhere you never want to be. There is no such thing as eye bleach either. Or brain bleach. I really, really searched.
Aquarius: Queen of Swords suggests a need for a discussion about camel-toe. There was no delicate way to put that. If you decide to wear pants, which, after this ordeal, I doubt you will, I suggest this device. I’m sorry to have to do that to you, but I have just seen too much I can’t unsee and I would hate to send you out into the pants world unprepared and improperly groomed.
Pisces: Three of Cups gives us a final picture of satisfaction, happiness, completion. I fear it I can actually detect a note of joy coming through the computer at the prospect of my finally wrapping this monstrosity up. It has been a log, hard road we have traveled and we are finally at the end. Thank the maker you worship that my crazy ramblings have come to an end. Now you know never ever again to ask me a dumb question.