Category Archives: cleaning


Dear Jane


Jane at WONDERWIMP wonders if she will ever grow up. In a world where we , as a society, have collectively stepped into a time machine and traveled back to the dark-ages it is tempting to seek shelter in the safe harbor of non-adulthood. Can't say I blame you. Let's tackle that list of yours one item at a time, shall we?

Sun: Knight of Pentacles; For the sake of making your list fit into the 9 card reading of the celestial spread let's combine item numbers 1 and 2. $75 for one weeks pay you say? You are a babysitter, you say? The pay sounds on par with the job. And the knight of Pentacles card further affirms your excellent grasp of economics.

Earth: Seven of Pentacles; reversed, So you go to bed at 4 am and wake up a 1 pm? The card suggests an anxiety issue, which, let's face it, your upcoming release into the real world merits it. It's a big, bad messed up ole world out there. The good news is there are plenty of night jobs. Like this dispatch job for a bus company. You could cultivate a retro pin up look and give yourself a cool handle like Cookie or Toots.

Mars: Empress card is funny for this point. You are concerned that you will not be the competent housekeeper a mature adult should be? Washing dishes grosses you out? Well, don't have kids. If you think dishes are gross wait until you get a load of diapers. That's a whole new universe of gross. The Empress card says you have a few more years of pretty princess energy coming your way, so don't sweat it.

Jupiter: The Moon, if you think your youthful looks will hold out against that diet that is a combination of dorito tacos and deep fried crap then you are kidding yourself. I'm not saying you have to eat only raisins and cereal that tastes like roof shingles, but would it kill you to eat a brussels sprout? I'm shutting up now. Lecture over.

Saturn: Ten of Cups suggests that there is no shame in geotagging yourself and relying on public transportation. The honks you hear aren't anger, but rather a greeting peculiar to the inhabitants of your town. They also have a unique one-fingered salute. The proper response is either offer the salute in response to the honk or vice versa.

Uranus: Nine of Cups is a card of mastery, success and victory, so my suggestion is for you to grab your teddy bear, turn on every light in the house and explore every room in that house, hidey-holes and all. What's the worst that could happen? Sure Natalie Portman could pop out of a dark corner sporting a black tutu and excessive eyeliner, but what are the chances of that happening? Just don't blink. Kidding. Couldn't resist a Doctor Who reference.

Neptune: Seven of Cups in response to the difficulty of an irrational fear of Natalie Portman makes perfect sense. I would suggest avoiding these types of movies. Or you could have a Natalie Portman marathon and get it out of your system. Or you could just learn to sleep with the lights on. Your call. Flip a coin.

Pluto: Four of Swords, what are taxes you ask? Well. They are one of two in a list of inevitable outcomes in life. As in “death and …”. You can't avoid them. Luckily for you, you seem to gravitate toward under the table, cash on the barrel, night time employment so maybe you will only have to worry about the other inevitable. And death looks nothing like Natalie Portman.

Mercury: King of Pentacles, so 9 and 10 get lumped together on your list also. Because not cleaning your sheets and not cleaning anything else are the same thing. This card alludes to a person with a nutty professor vibe. Is this you? Do you lose your glasses on your face? Do you have ten of the same suit? If so, stop worrying. The world expects you to be a flake. They also expect you to be a mathematical genius and invent time travel. You can put people off for a while saying time travel is bad for the environment, but you will have to make good on the math. Either that or learn to clean. No one says you have to like it. Frankly I worry about people who do.

This wraps it up. I will say this, I know 40 year olds with worse hang-ups, but if you aren't ready to let go, don't. Best of luck to you, Toots. And don't take any Hummus nickels.