Between a Rock and a Hard Place, or, Viagra; is it over-rated?

I just wanted to pull three cards today and these are the ones I got. Very interesting. Mostly just funny. You pays yer money, you takes yer chances:

So, let’s start with the grand poo-bah here, The Emperor card.He’s in the past position, representing the recent past and the circumstances that have led you to this point in your life. He’s a good looking guy settled in his ways, solid,dependable, and a bit beyond looking sew his wild oats. He’s figured a few things out. One of those things is how to calculate compound interest. I think that’s the least sexy thing I can think of, but maybe that’s just me. This looks to be the root of todays dilemma. Nothing says turn-off like a guy way too into old guy stuff.

Next up is the Six of Cups, reversed in the present position. Hmmm, With this card, it suggests a comeuppance. That’s a little worrisome. Someone here will get what’s due. I got Aretha Franklin’s R-E-S-P-E-C-T running through my mind. “ooo your kisses sweet as honey, but guess what, so’s my money”. Somebody’s angling to get some. And I ain’t talking about interest. I would suggest a healthy dose of respect.

Three of Cups, reversed in the future position. This reading is all about the love. Someone wants it. Someone isn’t getting it. My advice? Take some aspirin for that head-ache, shake that stick out of your butt, and deliver. You’ll get no peace until you do.

That’s my reading for the day. Anybody have any requests? Any burning questions? Shoot ’em my way and I will gleefully, sarcastically, hilariously answer them. Yours in service to the absurd-Googy Ballyhoo

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Hippo Bird Day America!

With the celebration of our independence looming large in American mind set I thought the best way for me to honor it was to totally make a mockery of it, as I do best. So, hippy beard day America and here is your freeee reading:

The Past: Eight of Pentacles tells of an illustrious past. We remember a happier America when “Sambos” was considered an acceptable name for a restaurant and sexism was a revered institution in every home. Ah, the good old days of open racism and keeping people in their proper place. The good news was you could play outside without fear of being abducted, now we parents have to actually participate in our children's lives. Nostalgia is great, isn't it? Because it's such an honest representation of how things really were.

The Present: The Moon reversed is a card of deception, lies and corruption which seems about right. No matter which side of the fence you hang out on, you, as an American, feel cheated, abused, and lied to. No surprises there. It's a weird time to be alive in America to be sure. The cost of being human is too dear and only a precious few of us can pay the tab. Take heart, Americans, seeing through the lies is the first step on the road to recovery. And crazy people, please stop telling people the earth is flat and mermaids exist. America thanks you.

The Future: Two of Cups is the gold lining on the very dark cloud of the present. Notice I said gold? That's right, friends, gold is more valuable than silver, so get ready for it. Laissez les bons temps rouler. In the future that is. Right now it's still a crap sammy for most of us. Two of cups is a nice card for America on this day. It gives us hope that two disparate parties can reconcile their differences. It also promises prosperity, which, you know, a lucky few here enjoy in abundance. The tides will turn according to this card. We are collectively about to find the gold at the end of the rainbow. And the leprechaun guarding it will be taking a nap!

This is my deep intellectual take on the current and future prospects of this great country. When I say great, I mean it sincerely. I know it's out of character for me, but despite my craptacular world view I am a true patriot at heart. I love this country, what I believe it truly stands for, and what it could be if we could only get our shit in one sock. So, in all sincerity, Happy Birthday America. I love you with all of the parts of my heart that are not reserved for God and family.

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Big news for Austinites…who happen to like this blog

On July 21 and 22 I will, with any luck, be running a booth at the Body, Mind, Spirit Expo here in Austin. I've started a kickstarter page and am awaiting their approval. I'll have the link in a day or two and then it's on. If y'all want a reading live and personal and you are in Austin then your donations will be rewarded. I'll keep you posted.

Also, I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for paying me any mind at all. Your mothers obviously forgot to tell you that if you pay attention you are encouraging me. It's like feeding raccoons. You feed one and the next day there are a hundred of them.

Stay tuned for a new installment of celebrity readings. I welcome your suggestions as to who I should lambast…er, honor next.

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They’re Magically Suspicious…or Morri-Oreo’s Weirdness Woes.

So, Morri tells me she is worried about the general atmosphere of weirdness surrounding her right now. My first thought is that she might have gremlins or evil leprechauns lurking around, just out of eyesight. Then I realized that made no sense whatsoever and consulted the cards. Just in case, though, I hear you can throw shoes at leprechauns and they will be compelled to stop and cobble them. If it’s gremlins you’re screwed, I know nothing about them.

Significator: Page of Pentacles; reversed is the card which represents the querent. I see a young woman being held back from a craft or artistic endeavor she is truly good at. It could be you lost that jumbo box of crayons you depended on. Perhaps you have misplaced your macramé mojo. Whatever the case, at your core you are an artist. Remove the road block between you and your creative life and you will be closer to the person you are meant to be.

What Crosses You: Seven of Swords represents the obstacles you face in your given situation. Speaking of obstacles, have you ever tried to type a sentence while your children chatter like howler monkeys in the middle of a three day bender? It’s exactly as easy as it sounds. Moving on. Your obstacles are complex, yet consistent. They have to do with how you view yourself versus how those around you see you. It is confusing to even those who have known you all your life that you look like an angel yet your inner thoughts would do Wednesday Adams proud.

What Covers You: Ace of Cups is a lovely card denoting the presense of magical forest animals that sing while they carry out your every household chore. Or do your evil bidding, which frankly seems more likely. Just don’t get carried away with your evil bidding. I think there are forest animal union rules. In all seriousness you appear to have a guardian angel watching over you. No matter how weird people get around you, you have a protective bubble.

What Crowns You: Strength always reminds me of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz smacking the crap out of the Lion for trying to scare Toto. In this case your ideals are Dorothy and your fears are the Lion. I don’t know who the hell Toto is. Why you gotta do yourself that way? You know you’re right, and you know you can get through this tough time.

What is Beneath You: The World hints at having a bed of roses beneath your feet. Either that or fertilizer. Or corn chips. Doesn’t really matter. What matters is you have a strong foundation and a position of strength.

What is Behind You: Death card is never the grim reaper breathing down your neck. That’s good news too, because death as a heavy breather is triple creepy. This card, instead represents a recent loss in a heated game of old maid. It is possible I could be mixing this up with a relatives well intentioned, yet mind- fuckingly bad attempt at setting you up on a blind date.

What Lies Before You: Nine of Wands means you have a few fights to win in the near future. You are ready for it, too, got your brass knuckles ready and everything. The wish for your kin to see you married off is the low level white noise sound track to the up coming battle. Keep cool, mamma, they mean well.

The Querent: Five of Wands represents a shift in perspective for you. Although you used to strictly believe in art for arts sake you are now seeing the value in charging what your time and talent are worth. About damn time. You are also using a new marketing approach which is good because those velvet Elvis paintings won’t sell themselves.

Your House:Five of Cups usually indicates a union, or marriage. In this case, with all these wands I believe this is a card that represents a union between idealism of the past and a new acceptance of the benefits of commerce. You get that money, honey, it’s good!

Hopes and Fears: Eight of Wands gives me a clear picture of the cause of strife. The time has come, baby bird, for you to leave the nest. The problem is, instead of shoving you over the side and hoping for the best, mamma bird has tied you to another egg in the nest. You know you need to go, she knows, everybody knows. It’s weird for you and everyone around. It’s going to be weird until the time comes when you can start a life of your own. The trick is letting them know this doesn’t mean you will lose your close relationship.

Outcome: The Hermit shows it is time to knit a hair shirt, abandon hygene habits, and move into a cave. Not really. The hermit holds in his hand a lantern illustrating the need to illuminate a dark path. If you feel you are trying to find your way in the dark perhaps you need time to yourself to contemplate what comes next. It is tempting to reach out for others when you find yourself lost, but you need to work this out on your own. You have the strength, the skill and the wisdom to do what needs to be done. Trust yourself and assure your friends and family they are always your rock solid foundation.

By far the least funny and most complex spread yet. That’s why it took so damn long. Hope it helps, Morri-bear!