Monthly Archives: December 2012

Holiday Beer, Fear…Cheer…Something like that.

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What do the holidays hold in store for us? If you are like me you would rather strap 39 live cats to your body and jump in the shower than celebrate the holidays, especially if relatives are involved. I mean, come on, I cannot be the only one who's Grandma declares the whole family cray cray, then does a striptease, even though she is stone cold sober. Ahem. Moving on. Since this reading involves not only the holidays but the coming new year I feel it is appropriate to torture you with the zodiac spread. And by torture I mean buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy read. Seriously, this might suck. It's been a long time and I'm rusty.

Querent: The Sun card depicts all the turns you have taken on the great big spin we have made around the globe in the last 365 days. Its natural for you to feel a bit dizzy. For whatever reason, you have felt a special significance in the passing of time and your hurtle through space this year. Perhaps is is the first time in your life that you thought of the earth as a time machine that we are collectively breaking with pollution and contagious stupidity. Or maybe your Doctor Who fascination has just reached a new pinnacle of bonkers. No one likes the bowtie. It looks good on one person on earth and his name rhymes with Schloctor Schloo.

Gemini: The Magician(reversed) suggests it's been a rough year for you in terms of communicating with others. Not a lot of people actually speak Klingon, so there's that. Also, Ixney on the Igpey Atenley. You might try using the native tongue of the area you live in this year. Couldn't hurt.

Cancer: Two of Cups(reversed) signifies that below the cool exterior of your Spock persona lies a smoldering Tango-dancing sex god. It might also suggest a more intimate relationship with food than is strictly healthy. In other words, stop eating your feelings. They taste like ashes and the tears of baby unicorns anyway, and that. can't be good. Not that I would know from personal experience…

Leo: Three of Cups shows that you have enjoyed a healthy, happy love life. Screw you and your domestic bliss. I am NOT jealous. I'm sure your spouse isn't at all the degenerate gambler that I heard they were. And I just know if they heard about that restraining order that Jennifer Love Hewitt filed against you they would totally understand.

Virgo: Five of Wands(reversed) says you better use that can of whoop ass you've been saving before it expires. Which it totally will before the years end. Got a beef with the mother-in-law? Throw down now and you will likely win. Your boss punking you? Introduce his butt to your boot. Long story short, you are hot to trot right now. Just don't try kicking your own ass or it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum because you just cannot lose.

Libra: Two of Pentacles reveals a tendency to live out the imagined in the real world. They have a name for that. Clinically it's known as dumbassery. Or also as Get-Off-The-Cross-We-Need-The-Wood syndrome. The recommended treatment is to retract your head from your own rectum. What I mean is, things seem worse than they are because you are imagining them to be. Nothing is as bad as it seems right now. Furthermore, don't buy into any Nigerian Prince schemes. Be extra careful about anything suggested to you in correspondence. If someone sends you a chia pet unsolicited, don't do it. Dollars to donuts those are pot seeds, not chia seeds.

Scorpio: The Chariot(reversed) hint that hot times are to come in the old town tonight. Or the immediate future. By hot I mean buy riot gear and hunker down because things are about to get ugly. I don't know what you did in a past life to deserve this year but I suggest you repent. It's just a wild and hairy one and I don't blame you for *feeling like kicking puppies through an electric fan.

Sagittarius: Nine of Cups shows that hope is in sight. That collectible set of My Little Pony figurines you've been bidding on will be YOURS. Maybe that's what you are saving the can of whoop ass for. Who knows. I can only offer the advice my grandmother gave me before leaving for college: “Eat more fruit than cheese. Also, never spit in the wind”. Seriously, that's all I've got.

Capricorn: Eight of Cups says again that what you thought was important is of no consequence. Instead of speaking to your emotional life, however, this card is referencing your work. The guy taking your lunch from the fridge? Most likely your boss, so let it goooo. Besides, that's what you get for having a monopoly on the very last Twinkies on earth.

Aquarius: Death is a card that represents change rather than actual termination of life, so don't get your panties in a bunch. I have to say, overall this reading sucks. I wouldn't want to be the person for whom it is intended. If I were you, what I would do ten minutes after reading this is hunker down with your remaining Twinkie stash and don't come out again until this whole Mayan calendar fiasco has run its course. What I would do ten minutes preceding that is mail me half of your Twinkie stash and leave me the rest in your will.

Pisces: Ten of Swords is for the win. Sort of. Seriously, who did you piss off? This is the last card on the reading so I desperately want it to be a smiley face, but it just isn't. Does Acme still make anvils? My advice to you is don't go outside without a lead umbrella. In fact, Just stay inside.And so ends my holiday reading, not with a bang, but a warning.

I have so enjoyed writing these and I will continue to write them when I am not deep in study of academic bullshit. Thank you for yor comments, likes, and general support. Also, please forgive me for the sloppy formatting asBlogsy is determined to melt my tolerance for technology.