Monthly Archives: July 2012

I’m Gay for Chick Fil A

Standard

Not really, but considering the recent incendiary comments made by the CEO of Chick Fil A, Dan Cathy, I thought he could use my very special brand of help. By “very special” I mean full of shit. I chose a swords spread because no one likes a sword more than a homophobe. Go figure. They are also nuts about guns. Weird, right?

The Querent: King of Cups describes a man of business, law or divinity. Our man Cathy certainly fits this description. King of Cups card is also a warning to be cautious of a man who presents a righteous facade, but acts in a contrary manner. Wait, what? You mean to say that presenting hate speech as christian values is hypocritical? Shut the front door! If you want to know what I consider hate speech let me enlighten you. Telling a segment of the population in a public forum that they are wicked and wrong because they are differently oriented counts as hateful. Especially when these comments have the potential to cause harm to others.

Foundation, The Devil…where to begin? Perhaps a description of the cards illustration will shed some light on the matter. The Rider Waite deck illustrated by Pamela Colman Smith shows a naked couple bound to a throne where a hairy menacing devil presides. One interpretation is that the card represents temptation of an earthly nature. I can't help but wonder if Cathy was ever a part of his college wrestling team, and if so, did he ever feel conflicted? I know the kinds of thoughts that pranced through my head watching sweaty men in tight uniforms grapple at each others parts and bits. I would just love to compare notes.

Obstructions, Queen of Pentacles; reversed. I am of the personal opinion that you can never have too many queens in a reading. This beauty's presence reversed and in this position, however, is troubling for Cathy. The queen suggests that Cathy needs to get his mind right about a great many subjects, sexuality being the least of them. Selling never-food (check the nutritional value and number of unhealthy additives) with a side of righteousness is an oxymoron. One can't sell garbage for a profit and then claim to care what's good for people. Make the food healthy or shut up about gay people, or preferably do both, is the queens advice here. It's always the cards, folks, the cards definitely are opinionated.

Aspirations, Eight of Pentacles means money. The man on the card is crafting money out of money. This money means money is money and also money. Money. Cathy likes it. He likes to have it, make it, spend it, but not give it away so much. Nothing wrong with money. If he wants to keep making it he should know, however, that his ability to do so is dependent on the good will of the public. All those wicked gay people have parents, friends, teachers, brothers, sisters and just general folks who will support them by boycotting his establishment. In other words, smooth move, ex-lax, in alienating the core consumer.

The Past, Six of Pentacles reveals a life of privilege. It also shows that telling people that he knows better what God thinks about others claiming to know what God thinks is a special brand of crazy usually reserved for serial killers and royalty. Six of Pentacles wonders why no one has caught on to this lunatic approach to spiritual logic. Try it for yourself: (I'm paraphrasing) “You people are so arrogant claiming to know what God thinks. When I was talking to him the other day on my antenna to God (penis) he told me that you all need to be cleansed by the fire of The Holy Spirit.” See? It's just pure crap.

The Future, Ace of Cups; reversed. It's difficult for me not to laugh just like Nelson Muntz here. I know it's mean spirited to wish people ill when you see karma sidling up to some deserving soul to take a bite, but I just can't help it. We all get what we deserve almost all of the time. I'm not immune to this and neither, if this card is any indication, is Cathy.

That wraps up this edition of Drunk Tarot. One could point out that my own intolerance is showing here and that certainly would be true. I am very intolerant of intolerance. I know it's contradictory. I also know that this piece is always satire. I apologize sincerely to anyone I offend here while I vent just for the sake of venting.

P.S. here is an alternative to those tasty sandwiches. Slightly healthier. Enjoy!

Advertisements

I am a tease…

Standard

So, I did, after all my whining, make it to the Body Mind Spirit Expo in Austin. I have many stories to share. You know as I told you that it was my original intention to go to the expo as a booth vendor but things don't always work out. So, I will report to you, dear reader, about the people and things I saw there as a spectator.

Let me start out by saying that I am, at heart, a skeptic. My philosophies about life are simple and scientifically sound. I tend to believe in things I can observe with my senses. I know that a sensible diet and a decent amount of exercise are the most valuable contributions toward long life. I battle with the question of faith on a regular basis because intellectually I cannot argue proof of the existence of God.

Having said that you may wonder why I write a blog centered around the superstitious practice of a form of divination. You might ask why I would be interested in hosting a booth or even attending an expo dedicated to all things metaphysical. Those are fair questions and I will try my best to answer them in a satisfactory manner.

The older I get the more certain I am that I don't have all of the answers. In fact, I'm pretty sure the more answers I get, the less I actually understand because more answers inevitably leads to more questions. There are things out there that no one has yet been able to classify or explain. Right here, right now I am interested in those things. I realise there is a difference in what I know and what I believe and neither is more valuable than the other.

I could tell you the history of Tarot here and you would see that it isn't ancient, nor does it have ties to mysticism in the same way runes, I-Ching or other older divination tools do. That would be pointless. Instead I will tell you why I use them. Focus is a problem for me. I utilize this disability to my benefit 99 percent of the time, but there's that one percent of the time when I have a question and I just can't get to the point of concentration where I can answer it. That's where symbolism, art, and a Jungian reliance on the collective unconscious come in. Tarot blends those elements and I am able to pin-point my problem and all the variables contained within it.

There is an element of magic in bullshit. Bullshit is, after all, the foundation from which seeds grow best. I find my best inspiration from the fertile soil bullshit provides. I mean no disrespect in my irreverence, I merely find truth in the muck. I also find that bullshit is the intersection between magic and reality, truth and lies. The same can be said about theatre, that as an experience it is a divine lie. I have spent most of my life chasing that elusive, slippery lie. I've been involved in the theatre one way or another over half my years. Having found a commonality between tarot reading and theatre I felt compelled to make something out of it. Thus, the Drunk Tarot was born out of that mess.

Now you have all the reasoning behind having a Tarot website and wanting to attend a metaphysical event. And now since I have rambled on you will have to wait for my report. Until next time, friends. Thanks for listening. And now for some inspirational music:

The universe hates me. Or, maybe it’s allergic to me…

Standard

So, friends, I did not raise the funds to get a booth at the Body, Mind, Spirit expo this year. Thanks anyway, Toolie (I will put the money to good Drunk Tarot use and buy a new deck) . I will keep the fund open for future live events. I did purchase a ticket to go anyway and then the universe decided I was mistaken. There is still tomorrow and here's hoping it goes better. I'm not optimistic, but, whatever. In that spirit and in leu of a reading or report on the event I thought I would write a few thank you notes to those who contributed to the day.

Dear Texas, you killed our car and now you are trying to kill me. Does it really have to be this freaking hot? Are you having a contest with the other states to see how many chubby middle-aged women you can knock off? At any rate, I thank you for reminding me of my mortality. I had forgotten for a nanosecond that I was human. Nothing says people like getting violently ill on the Lady Bird Trail.

Dear Texans, thank you for turning a blind eye toward the beet red woman stumbling toward the river to either pass out, throw up, or do a combination of those ungraceful things. It would have been so embarrassing to have been offered assistance when I was obviously desperately in need of it.

Dear Woman Knocking On The Door Of The Bathroom, thank you for adding extra stress to my public bathroom nightmare. I really needed to be sped along as I got sick in multiple ways and then consequently cleaned up after myself. That was truly special to me. I will cherish the memory of the sound of your knuckles beating at the door of one of six bathrooms while I shouted out that I needed a few moments to be sick. As a favor to you I shaved a few minutes off of my time there by leaving the bathroom in a state you richly deserve.

Dear Universe, we have a special relationship, don't we? You try to screw me in a myriad of ways every single year and I defy you at every turn. I realize now that this latest cock block is your subtle attempt at reminding me I need to be a fucking shut in. In retrospect we are both to blame. I mean, what was I thinking having fish stew for dinner? I appreciate you looking out for me. Who needs to actually have interactions with other like-minded human beings? Who needs to be able to keep up an exercise routine that would give me the energy to achieve some of my dreams and goals? Except, What The Fuck, Universe? I actually do want some of those things, plus things like basic human dignities and the building blocks of life(food, water, shelter). I'm not asking that they be handed to me, rather I want to earn them doing things I'm good at, so, please, universe back the fuck up and give me some room. Thank you in advance.

Dear Faithful (13) readers, I saved the best for last. I sincerely thank you for putting up with my shenanigans day after day, week after week. Thank you for listening and commenting and validating this one thing that gives me a small measure of joy. Thank you for making me work harder at writing. Thank you for human interaction. I really do appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Keep looking because I promise I will keep attempting to make you laugh.

P.S. when I said I wanted punch, universe, I meant this:

Not this :

P.P.S. The name of the drink is Groin Punch. I still want it. Even though I know with my luck I would light my face on fire.

Jordan didn’t ask, but he’s getting one anyway…

Standard

A reading, that is. He did have an entertaining question regarding the reason life sucks so much sometimes. He self-prescribes a move to Barsoom, which seems reasonable but a little impractical so I thought I would take the cards for a spin and see if they had any wisdom to offer. But first, a map, so you won't get lost. Enjoy!:

The Earth: The Lovers; reversed shows it's no secret what drives your recent relocation plans. You feel you have been less than successful in recent artistic, career, and personal endeavors. Here is some very earthy advice my father used to offer me when these moods would darken my perspective. Suck it up! Alternately, and twice as earthy, when I would crash and burn at an athletic pursuit and inevitably injure myself, my mother would offer this advice; rub some dirt on it. You know what I mean. It may feel like the weight of the world is coming down on you, but it's not true. It's nothing more than you can handle, friend.

Fire: King of Pentacles; reversed reveals that there is a particular person in your life who amplifies feelings of insecurity. This older man makes you feel small, and that's a tall order. Ok, enough with tall people jokes. Seriously, walk tall. Ok that was the last one for real. You can let others keep you down or you can dig deep for your own inspiration and allow that inspiration to fuel confidence. Your motives are pure. Trust in them.

Air: Four of Wands; reversed tells of your aspirations. On the surface, there is the temptation to simply revel in future prospects of big…boned Barsoom women. Honestly, the siren call of green (ok all the hot women are apparently not green. Details.) alien strange is almost irresistable but your passenger list for the trip to Barsoom tells a higher truth. You hold family loyalty in the highest esteem.

Water: Seven of Wands reveals a trend that is a clue to the answer of your question. This card says you are a warrior in any world you inhabit so you might as well stake out your battle ground here and get fighting for a better life. In the immortal words of Rowdy Roddy Piper in the classic sci-fi “They Live”: “It's time to kick ass and chew bubble-gum and I am all out of gum.” Best. Line delivery. Ever.

In other words, go get 'em Tiger! Hope this totally unsolicited piece of nonsense helps you get through the day. Much hugs.

A note for my faithful readers: don't forget to contribute to the effort to make Drunk Tarot a live act at:

http://www.gofundme.com/TheDrunkTarotRoadShow

Toolie Needs A Man By Hook or Crook

Standard

 

Toolie asked, in a somewhat husky (masculine) voice what she should do about her feelings for a fella named Silar. She says her feelings are changing from sisterly to something else. This one gets the Celtic Cross spread because it is too weird for a superficial treatment. Where do they get these names?

Significator: King of Pentacles reversed reveals the querent as a person with personality issues. Specifically too may personalities. Who are you really, Toolan? In your heart of hearts are you the Walter Matthau type? Do you secretly smoke cigars and play poker with a group of ill-groomed old men? Are you the knight in shining armor or are you truly the belle in the ball gown you present yourself as? Only you know the answer to that question, dear. Once you have the answer it is time to let that personality shine. Unless its the Walter Matthau one. In that case drown the son of a bitch with a gallon of scotch and refuse to return his calls.

What Crosses You: Nine of Pentacles represents your current high standing in society. I like to call this the bitch card because the woman on it has everything including her own bitchin' hunting hawk. Right on, Toolie, this card suggests that you are bargaining from a position of power. This is a good start, especially if your man likes money. Or those money shaped chocolates because apparently you are stupid rich with one of those things.

What Covers You: Five of Swords tells how conflicted you have been over this whole couch-fainting ordeal of romance. My suggestion after seeing this card and knowing your superior position is to force the issue. I'm not suggesting anything as irresponsible as a *shot gun wedding but if you were to attempt it; remember, sweetie , small caliber weapons are easy to conceal in a wedding dress.

What Is Beneath You: The Hanged Man is a hint that you have a decision to make and you can't move forward till you make it. Have you tried flipping a coin? This is a surprisingly effective method of divination. You should try it sometime. Well…one time that you haven't come to Madam Googy for advice that is. Right now you are at the mercy of my demented council. What I would do if I were you is run for the hills and leave the wounded. Who needs that Silar anyway? But you aren't me. So now we are at a stand still. Hey! That's exactly what the Hanged Man card represents. Weird! See what I did there?

What Is Behind You: King of Wands shows you have a good chance of a successful union and an older gent who is supportive of the marriage. I think Ralis is the older gent and he is a good candidate to be your wing man for the rounding up (abduction) of your man. He will defiantly be a big help planning and executing your surprise *(shotgun) wedding. He has been useful in past efforts of this sort in the past and you should defiantly enlist his aid *(firepower) in this one.

What Crowns You: Two of Cups tells of a romantic ideal you have. You have the highest hopes for a perfect relationship. Perfect relationships are built on trust (suspicion) and a deep and abiding understanding (enforcement) of guidelines (rules) that work for you both (you). Remember these things and you will definitely (maybe) be fine (manageable).

What Lies Before You: The Wheel of Fortune is a good omen. You can expect a happy ending to this fairy tale romance. It is essential, however, that you make organized preparations for the upcoming nuptials. Sew a good hiding spot in your gown for two things; a *concealed weapon and a **flask. Trust me on this. What seams like a sure thing could easily become a hot mess if you don't mind the details.

The Querent: The Lovers; this position represents how you, Toolie, view yourself. I think it is worth contemplation that you view yourself as complete as you are. It suggests to me that it is possible this infatuation could be the result of a different issue than romance. You could be dreaming of hearing the pitter patter of little feet running through your poorly dusted house. Perhaps you need a more fulfilling career than your current job of poking mice with sharp sticks. What exactly do you learn from that anyway? A serious examination of your motives is in order here. Don't neglect your inner voice. it could simply be telling you that you need tacos. Never underestimate the power of a good taco.

The House: Temperence; reversed says there is jealousy in the air. Think hard whether you harbor jealousy for someone who might show interest in your very good friend or whether it is the other way around. Jealousy is a petty emotion, do not allow it to pollute the sweet air in your house.

Hopes and Fears: Eight of Wands; reversed is an indication that you like to throw fuel on the fire. You know when you walk by two cats fighting and you throw water on them just to piss them off? Don't do that or they will turn around and pee on your shoes when you aren't looking. One should never hope for discord. Unless you are a marriage counselor, and even then, you only want it when your clients walk in the door, not out.

What Will Come: Knight of Swords tells me of a swift struggle by the groom but he is unsuccessful. In the end you will prevail with strength. It will be messy though. There will be a little slapping followed by the priest pronouncing you victorious (married) and then there will be a lovely reception that will end in an almost apocalyptic food fight. As for the marraige's chance for success? Not even I am great enough to answer that.

Thank you Toolie, for contributing to my fund to get to the Mind Body Spirit Expo. It is the first step in a funding effort for a larger dream.You, kind reader, can do the same here on one of the last days.

* The author wishes to state that she in no way condones or endorses the use of firearms. She is, in fact, four square against the use of guns for any purpose whatsoever. “What about snakes or home intruders?” you may argue. I recommend avoiding snakes and locking doors. Invest your gun money on pest control and a good alarm system. See, made that argument bullshit in one paragraph.

** The author sees no harm in the occasional nip of alcohol for medicinal purposes, of course. Do not mix with firearms.

 

Tyler tries talking to strangers…

Standard

Not really, but Tyler does ask about making new friends so here is my mostly silly, almost all bullshit advice on how to branch out socially. As you can see I chose a cups spread which is good for exploring relationship issues.

The Querent: Seven of Swords; reversed. This card represents Tyler in the here and now. Despite the statement above, you, Tyler, are the recipient of some good advice you might be unwilling to hear right now. I don't know your living situation, but if you live with your mother, she's right about everything. And I don't say this because I'm a mother who is right about everything, but because …. never mind. Listen to your mother. Because I say so, that's why!

Foundations: Three of Cups suggests an almost irrational belief in the infallibility of infomercial wisdom. With your perfect mane of hair I know you aren't banking on spray-on toupees but that weird tortilla salad bowl maker is pure bullshit. The magic bullet is the real deal though. If you have one, now is the time to invite friends over for your unparalleled version of guacamole. Party's are the perfect foundation for new friendships.Plan a get-together with some friends you know and some folks you would like as friends.

Aspirations: Page of Cups tells us you have a message worth hearing and that you are eager to share it. Your talent for dramatic flair is a good one to exploit for the cause of putting yourself out there. Toastmasters is an excellent club for honing your skills at socializing. There are an almost infinite number of clubs out there. Another avenue is to join a sports and social club like this. Personally I suck at sports. Things usually take a turn for the worst about two minutes into any sports activity I participate in when I inevitably trip on a combination of dust motes and imaginary grass clippings and then curse like a sailor on shore leave. But that's just me. I don't know what's going on here but I'm 90 percent certain these people are doing it wrong.

Obstructions: The Fool card reveals you to be a young man on the brink of self-discovery. This is an awkward time for you as your ability to communicate appropriately catches up with your enthusiasm. There are a few things experts agree will get you started on the road to life-long frienships:

  • Make Eye Contact.: There is a fine line between a frank and honest gaze and the glare of a serial killer who commands victims to rub the lotion on its skin. Learn the difference and apply the skill. Am I the only one who finds it odd that the same guy who played Buffalo Bill also played Captain Stottlemeyer? Oh well. A guy's gotta make a living.
  • Start Conversations: Whether you are at the grocery store or the dentists office you are in the right place to practice your conversational savvy. Just remember to make appropriate small talk for the environment you are in. If you blurt out the phrase “Nice tomatoes!” at the dentists office you are likely to lose teeth before the dentist actually sees you.
  • Say Who You Are: If you have successfully mastered the mine field that is having a conversation with a stranger it is time to introduce yourself. You will know you have done it all right if the person offers their real name also instead of giving you a false one like Chesty McLure. By the way, that's the fake name I give creepers. I also offer the phone number 867-5309. Yes I'm old, and you are too if you get the reference. If you say you get it because your parents clued you in, I will hunt you down and kill you.
  • Seal the Deal: If you still have all your teeth, limbs, and a legitimate introduction it is time to make plans. You are not home-free. Now is not the time to push a subversive agenda. Do not invite your new friend to a meeting of the Flat Earth Society. Look it up. They actually still believe the earth is flat. Coffee is fine. Go get coffee. Probably order decaf. Repeat steps 1 through 4 until you have as many friends as you want.

The Past: Page of Swords shows that in high school things were different. Things are always different in high school than they are in adult life. We often find roles reversed as we find our strenghts and gain a voice. No duh, right? But it's difficult to discern your own voice among the din of voices telling you who and what you should be. An integral part of friendship is a strong sense of self.

The Future: Five of Swords Reversed sez once you have made those friends you should not take them for granted. Hug them and stuff. Always let them know you care. Pet them and name them George. Just don't squeeze too hard or they will run away screaming. Honestly you came to the wrong person since I limit myself to online friendships and awkward conversations with my hairstylist in which I am unable to even ask for the haircut I want. As you make your own way, remember, friendship is never a win- lose proposition. Except in this case. One of these people is clearly winning:

P.S. please don't forget to donate at http://www.gofundme.com/TheDrunkTarotRoadShow. Only 7 days left. $23 down and $477 to go. You wanna see me in person, you know you do.

 

For My Favorite Faun

Standard

Natalie asked a “why is” question in reference to the color blue. No. I won't do it. Instead I will relate to you, Natalie, all the finer points of being faunish. And I will also thank autocorrect to leave the word faunish the hell alone. I know it's not a word. Bite me. Auto correct, not Natalie. Though I guess you could bite me if you feel you really have to.

The Querent: Three of swords as your representation points to a soul pulled in three directions. I believe what this means is you can't have your twinkles and cake and snack pie and eat them too. It could also mean that you have a difficulty choosing between outfits in the morning. Go for earth colors and all else will be golden.

Foundation: Seven of Pentacles sez hide your coin purse. There are people who want to raid it. I know there is nothing in it but dryer lint and a two year old life saver, but also there is an item of value you just lost track of hidden in it. Dig around, but don't feel compelled to share the treasure you recover.

Obstruction: Nine of Pentacles uncovers A dependence on a situation that is safe only because it is familiar. You know that mattress you have that needs to be replaced? It seems like it is easier to keep it than shop for a new one, but it's time to let it go. I know there only seem to be two options when you shop for a new mattress, either you can buy the one stuffed with straw and confederate money for $50 or you can get the one made of angels tears and unicorn horns for $5,000. Look on CL. I'm sure you can find a deal and back troubles are holding you down.

The Past: Queen of Pentacles affirms the Nine of Pentacles dependence on safety in the familiar. Yes, the color blue is crackerjack, I'm sure, but why not experiment with other colors? Have you heard of heliotrope? Seriously, have you? What the hell color is it? I want to know! What this card is trying to say is, don't be content to be dissatisfied simply because it is what you know best.

Aspirations: The Sun; reversed is a desire to find comfort in your surrogate family you created out of stuffed animals who are all curiously named Pickles. No matter how cuddly they seem they're no substitution for the family you have found in your group of friends. Good work with that. Friends are hard to come by and friends good enough to be counted as family are even more rare.

Future: Five of Cups reports the return of a loved one that has been absent. Or you have a tax return on the way. Or your favorite episode of Secret life of the American Teenager will rerun. Something to look forward to. I'm going with the return of a loved one. That's by far the least ridiculous choice. Enjoy this outcome whatever it may be, you deserve it for your big heart and hard work.

That's it for my fav faun. Sorry it was so long in coming.

Hippo Bird Day America!

Standard

With the celebration of our independence looming large in American mind set I thought the best way for me to honor it was to totally make a mockery of it, as I do best. So, hippy beard day America and here is your freeee reading:

The Past: Eight of Pentacles tells of an illustrious past. We remember a happier America when “Sambos” was considered an acceptable name for a restaurant and sexism was a revered institution in every home. Ah, the good old days of open racism and keeping people in their proper place. The good news was you could play outside without fear of being abducted, now we parents have to actually participate in our children's lives. Nostalgia is great, isn't it? Because it's such an honest representation of how things really were.

The Present: The Moon reversed is a card of deception, lies and corruption which seems about right. No matter which side of the fence you hang out on, you, as an American, feel cheated, abused, and lied to. No surprises there. It's a weird time to be alive in America to be sure. The cost of being human is too dear and only a precious few of us can pay the tab. Take heart, Americans, seeing through the lies is the first step on the road to recovery. And crazy people, please stop telling people the earth is flat and mermaids exist. America thanks you.

The Future: Two of Cups is the gold lining on the very dark cloud of the present. Notice I said gold? That's right, friends, gold is more valuable than silver, so get ready for it. Laissez les bons temps rouler. In the future that is. Right now it's still a crap sammy for most of us. Two of cups is a nice card for America on this day. It gives us hope that two disparate parties can reconcile their differences. It also promises prosperity, which, you know, a lucky few here enjoy in abundance. The tides will turn according to this card. We are collectively about to find the gold at the end of the rainbow. And the leprechaun guarding it will be taking a nap!

This is my deep intellectual take on the current and future prospects of this great country. When I say great, I mean it sincerely. I know it's out of character for me, but despite my craptacular world view I am a true patriot at heart. I love this country, what I believe it truly stands for, and what it could be if we could only get our shit in one sock. So, in all sincerity, Happy Birthday America. I love you with all of the parts of my heart that are not reserved for God and family.

Big news for Austinites…who happen to like this blog

Standard

On July 21 and 22 I will, with any luck, be running a booth at the Body, Mind, Spirit Expo here in Austin. I've started a kickstarter page and am awaiting their approval. I'll have the link in a day or two and then it's on. If y'all want a reading live and personal and you are in Austin then your donations will be rewarded. I'll keep you posted.

Also, I love you all and thank you from the bottom of my heart for paying me any mind at all. Your mothers obviously forgot to tell you that if you pay attention you are encouraging me. It's like feeding raccoons. You feed one and the next day there are a hundred of them.

Stay tuned for a new installment of celebrity readings. I welcome your suggestions as to who I should lambast…er, honor next.