Monthly Archives: June 2012

Dear Jane

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Jane at WONDERWIMP wonders if she will ever grow up. In a world where we , as a society, have collectively stepped into a time machine and traveled back to the dark-ages it is tempting to seek shelter in the safe harbor of non-adulthood. Can't say I blame you. Let's tackle that list of yours one item at a time, shall we?

Sun: Knight of Pentacles; For the sake of making your list fit into the 9 card reading of the celestial spread let's combine item numbers 1 and 2. $75 for one weeks pay you say? You are a babysitter, you say? The pay sounds on par with the job. And the knight of Pentacles card further affirms your excellent grasp of economics.

Earth: Seven of Pentacles; reversed, So you go to bed at 4 am and wake up a 1 pm? The card suggests an anxiety issue, which, let's face it, your upcoming release into the real world merits it. It's a big, bad messed up ole world out there. The good news is there are plenty of night jobs. Like this dispatch job for a bus company. You could cultivate a retro pin up look and give yourself a cool handle like Cookie or Toots.

Mars: Empress card is funny for this point. You are concerned that you will not be the competent housekeeper a mature adult should be? Washing dishes grosses you out? Well, don't have kids. If you think dishes are gross wait until you get a load of diapers. That's a whole new universe of gross. The Empress card says you have a few more years of pretty princess energy coming your way, so don't sweat it.

Jupiter: The Moon, if you think your youthful looks will hold out against that diet that is a combination of dorito tacos and deep fried crap then you are kidding yourself. I'm not saying you have to eat only raisins and cereal that tastes like roof shingles, but would it kill you to eat a brussels sprout? I'm shutting up now. Lecture over.

Saturn: Ten of Cups suggests that there is no shame in geotagging yourself and relying on public transportation. The honks you hear aren't anger, but rather a greeting peculiar to the inhabitants of your town. They also have a unique one-fingered salute. The proper response is either offer the salute in response to the honk or vice versa.

Uranus: Nine of Cups is a card of mastery, success and victory, so my suggestion is for you to grab your teddy bear, turn on every light in the house and explore every room in that house, hidey-holes and all. What's the worst that could happen? Sure Natalie Portman could pop out of a dark corner sporting a black tutu and excessive eyeliner, but what are the chances of that happening? Just don't blink. Kidding. Couldn't resist a Doctor Who reference.

Neptune: Seven of Cups in response to the difficulty of an irrational fear of Natalie Portman makes perfect sense. I would suggest avoiding these types of movies. Or you could have a Natalie Portman marathon and get it out of your system. Or you could just learn to sleep with the lights on. Your call. Flip a coin.

Pluto: Four of Swords, what are taxes you ask? Well. They are one of two in a list of inevitable outcomes in life. As in “death and …”. You can't avoid them. Luckily for you, you seem to gravitate toward under the table, cash on the barrel, night time employment so maybe you will only have to worry about the other inevitable. And death looks nothing like Natalie Portman.

Mercury: King of Pentacles, so 9 and 10 get lumped together on your list also. Because not cleaning your sheets and not cleaning anything else are the same thing. This card alludes to a person with a nutty professor vibe. Is this you? Do you lose your glasses on your face? Do you have ten of the same suit? If so, stop worrying. The world expects you to be a flake. They also expect you to be a mathematical genius and invent time travel. You can put people off for a while saying time travel is bad for the environment, but you will have to make good on the math. Either that or learn to clean. No one says you have to like it. Frankly I worry about people who do.

This wraps it up. I will say this, I know 40 year olds with worse hang-ups, but if you aren't ready to let go, don't. Best of luck to you, Toots. And don't take any Hummus nickels.

 

They’re Magically Suspicious…or Morri-Oreo’s Weirdness Woes.

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So, Morri tells me she is worried about the general atmosphere of weirdness surrounding her right now. My first thought is that she might have gremlins or evil leprechauns lurking around, just out of eyesight. Then I realized that made no sense whatsoever and consulted the cards. Just in case, though, I hear you can throw shoes at leprechauns and they will be compelled to stop and cobble them. If it’s gremlins you’re screwed, I know nothing about them.

Significator: Page of Pentacles; reversed is the card which represents the querent. I see a young woman being held back from a craft or artistic endeavor she is truly good at. It could be you lost that jumbo box of crayons you depended on. Perhaps you have misplaced your macramé mojo. Whatever the case, at your core you are an artist. Remove the road block between you and your creative life and you will be closer to the person you are meant to be.

What Crosses You: Seven of Swords represents the obstacles you face in your given situation. Speaking of obstacles, have you ever tried to type a sentence while your children chatter like howler monkeys in the middle of a three day bender? It’s exactly as easy as it sounds. Moving on. Your obstacles are complex, yet consistent. They have to do with how you view yourself versus how those around you see you. It is confusing to even those who have known you all your life that you look like an angel yet your inner thoughts would do Wednesday Adams proud.

What Covers You: Ace of Cups is a lovely card denoting the presense of magical forest animals that sing while they carry out your every household chore. Or do your evil bidding, which frankly seems more likely. Just don’t get carried away with your evil bidding. I think there are forest animal union rules. In all seriousness you appear to have a guardian angel watching over you. No matter how weird people get around you, you have a protective bubble.

What Crowns You: Strength always reminds me of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz smacking the crap out of the Lion for trying to scare Toto. In this case your ideals are Dorothy and your fears are the Lion. I don’t know who the hell Toto is. Why you gotta do yourself that way? You know you’re right, and you know you can get through this tough time.

What is Beneath You: The World hints at having a bed of roses beneath your feet. Either that or fertilizer. Or corn chips. Doesn’t really matter. What matters is you have a strong foundation and a position of strength.

What is Behind You: Death card is never the grim reaper breathing down your neck. That’s good news too, because death as a heavy breather is triple creepy. This card, instead represents a recent loss in a heated game of old maid. It is possible I could be mixing this up with a relatives well intentioned, yet mind- fuckingly bad attempt at setting you up on a blind date.

What Lies Before You: Nine of Wands means you have a few fights to win in the near future. You are ready for it, too, got your brass knuckles ready and everything. The wish for your kin to see you married off is the low level white noise sound track to the up coming battle. Keep cool, mamma, they mean well.

The Querent: Five of Wands represents a shift in perspective for you. Although you used to strictly believe in art for arts sake you are now seeing the value in charging what your time and talent are worth. About damn time. You are also using a new marketing approach which is good because those velvet Elvis paintings won’t sell themselves.

Your House:Five of Cups usually indicates a union, or marriage. In this case, with all these wands I believe this is a card that represents a union between idealism of the past and a new acceptance of the benefits of commerce. You get that money, honey, it’s good!

Hopes and Fears: Eight of Wands gives me a clear picture of the cause of strife. The time has come, baby bird, for you to leave the nest. The problem is, instead of shoving you over the side and hoping for the best, mamma bird has tied you to another egg in the nest. You know you need to go, she knows, everybody knows. It’s weird for you and everyone around. It’s going to be weird until the time comes when you can start a life of your own. The trick is letting them know this doesn’t mean you will lose your close relationship.

Outcome: The Hermit shows it is time to knit a hair shirt, abandon hygene habits, and move into a cave. Not really. The hermit holds in his hand a lantern illustrating the need to illuminate a dark path. If you feel you are trying to find your way in the dark perhaps you need time to yourself to contemplate what comes next. It is tempting to reach out for others when you find yourself lost, but you need to work this out on your own. You have the strength, the skill and the wisdom to do what needs to be done. Trust yourself and assure your friends and family they are always your rock solid foundation.

By far the least funny and most complex spread yet. That’s why it took so damn long. Hope it helps, Morri-bear!

 

Nocturnal Emissions

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Silvana is troubled by the disturbing habit of drooling during naps. Again, the easy answer was tempting, but that would cut things short here and I am four-square for ridiculous side tracking rants that mean nothing. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

Earth:Strength; this card is in the foundation position which paints a picture of power on the querent/droolers part. I might also suggest that you examine your before-nap entertainment. I suspect a penchant for romance novels that feature strong male pirate types. In keeping with the pirate fetish I will commece with the rest of the reading using nautical speak, er, matey. What yea be needin is reading material of a more puritanical sort. Might I suggest Parrots Weekly? The pirates pets horoscopes are mighty entertaining.

Air: Queen of Wands; reversed is a sign that the seas are calm and the sky is clear metaphorically speaking. There be no illnesses causing yer condition. You are as stout as oak! As a favor to you I consulted a medical journal which suggested that you might want to batten down the hatches while you sleep. In landlubber speak that translates to closing your mouth. If you are also snoring you might want to consider this product. Or this. If you wake up out of breath and looking like this consult yer ships doc who will most likely recommend this.

Fire: The Emperor is indicative of a wholesome attitude toward earthly matters, which says to me you need to embrace your nap-time drooling. What’s wrong with a little drooling between shipmates! Don’t take that the wrong way, mate. I just realized I sounded a little like a salty sea dog getting fresh. The next section should clear things up.

Water: Four of Cups is shouting at me that you are seriously looking for a way out of this current trend. I feel your pain, I do, but there’s nothing to be done about rough seas, death, taxes, or drooling. My best suggestion? Invest in terry cloth pillow cases. That’s all I have for you, love. Until next time, cheers!

 

Scott and Finances

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Scott asks about his finances. Well, he asked “Why is money?” but I refuse to answer that. So instead I will tell about his personal relationship to money.I will not reveal his illustrious past of blowing money on rare pokeman cards and soft ball uniforms that I can only hope are for his gal. Don’t look at me like I’m judging, it’s in the cards! I chose a pentacles spread because of the fiscal nature of the question.

The Querent: Seven of Pentacles; reversed gets things started in a bold and upfront manner. I see you, the querent, locked in a nightmare where you are being chased by oversized quarters and dollar bills. They look really cartoony and also mad. You are, strangely, wearing a kilt which is remarkably hard to run in. I don’t know what any of this means, but, the best thing to do in any nightmare is to confront your fears. Lock yourself in your Mr. Moneypants vault and obsessivley count your gold coins like a normal person. Oh, you don’t have one of those? I guess you could just keep an eye on spending and make a tight budget that alleviates your money anxiety but that doesn’t seem nearly as cool.

Foundations: Five of Swords demonstrates a need to guard the (aforementioned) vault. Or the family check book. Either way, make a fortress out of ice and hunker down. Listen to poems about trees and shit, Yes, yes, that was a Super-Man reference. Because I’m hip like that.Things look tough, my friend, and not in a cool, ultimate gladiator kind of way. This is a time where your skills at monopoly will best be utilized. Or perhaps you should just play monopoly and skip date night until the economy picks up.

Aspirations: The King of Pentacles is tha mac-daddy of money matters. The dude on the card is sitting on a throne with flowers growing out of it and a castle in the back ground. He is holding a staff in one hand(symbol of virility, cough, cough) and the worlds biggest novelty coin in the other. He is clearly the money king. He can buy anything with that coin. If I was him I’d buy a lottery ticket with it. Which is why I live without a car and our phone is out. Whatever. Bygones. It’s good to dream big, it’s good to take chances, as long as you keep plugging away at your day job until you make it big. (script submission, cough, cough)

Obstructions: Four of Cups reveals that you are being held back by an undiagnosed case of assheimers syndrome. In case you are unfamiliar with the illness, symptoms include a tendency to forget recent endowments, a general dissatisfaction with success, and a propensity toward party poopery. Have your friends dubbed you Captain Buzz-Kill? Do co-workers go to Chili’s for lunch without you? Do you find your self having an almost irresistable urge to kick puppys into electric fans? If so, knock it off! No one appreciates a gloomy Gus. Pretty sure no one appreciates that name at all. GloomyGus, GloomyGus, GloomyGus…that’s fun to say, but a terrible title. Wait, we’re getting no where. Listen, just look up from your cubicle once in a while and belt out an excerpt of an Alanis Morissette tune. The bewildered look on your co-workers faces will surely cheer you up.

The Past: Five of Cups hints at a strange fascination with chupacabras. I suspect there is nothing you wouldn’t do to catch a sighting of it/him. How do you tell the gender of a chubacabra? I would suggest extreme caution in this undertaking. If you find one stick to taking pictures of it and feeding it In-N-Out burgers which are known to be its favorite. It likes them animal style, naturally. It also likes them with fries and a large Dr. Pepper. Stick to the single, though, because the chupacabra is a known calorie counter. It also has a fondness for Takis but they give the chupacabra gas so I wouldn’t recommend them if you are going to be hanging out playing WoW. I bet you didn’t know chupacabra was such a cheap date. Now you know. And knowledge is power.

The Future: Three of Swords; reversed has me concerned, old friend. Alien abduction is always a legitimate concern, but this card tells me you should be stock piling dehydrated water and strapping yourself into bed at night. They are coming for you, man, and there is nothing they like better than a good old-fashioned probing party. This is a time where a friendship with a chupacabra would really come in handy because they are scrappy! Chupacabra, I mean, not aliens. Aliens are apparently kind of wimpy physically, but are expert at mind control. Make the tin foil hat now because I really think you might need it soon. Also, attend a few parties, make connections at work because aliens love nothing better than a person with few connections.

 

It’s come to this, has it?

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Jamila asks about kilts, in particular, why are kilts. I sigh deeply now. I was trying not to learn anything over the summer break but then, this question. Dang it, I learned something. Mainly I learned that being a sucker is a mutual liability with this post. Let’s get started, shall we?

Past: Two of Cups reveals a harmonious balance between past and present in regard to this , let’s face it, garment that is basically a skirt for men. Don’t argue with me, you know I’m right. Let me tell you about it’s history. I bore you with my knowlege now. That’s what you get. The kilt was first documented as a formal fashion for men in Scotland in the 16th century. No one says why men thought it was a good idea to play sports, do battle, and socialize in a garment that leaves your undercarraige completely open to attack. Regardless it went over like gangbusters. What are gangbusters? Why are they popular? How could they possibly be popular if no one knows what they are? One could very well ask the same thing about kilts.

Present: Nine of Cups is a card of success, mastery over others and smugness. The kilt is laughing at us for bringing it back from the brink of obscurity. We know how ridiculous it has made us look throughout history and yet we come back to it again and again as it if were a bad boyfriend/girlfriend we just could not quit. It was all well and good when we relegated it to weddings. I mean, it is the god-given right of every bride to humiliate the crap out of her intended groom. But this is just taking things entirely too far. Who the hell wants power tools combined with skirts? Is it weird I kinda want a utilikilt?

Future: Queen of Swords; reversed indicates that the querent needs to excersise caution around kilts. The kilt is a tricky, lying, deceitful scrap of tartan that will lead you down a thistle path while your tender bits are exposed. Eight traditional yards of fabric may seem like alot, but they fit no one. How is that possible you ask? I suspect tardis technology in reverse. It actually covers less surface area that there is of it. Stay away or you will end up more exposed than you are wearing a hospital gown.

This concludes my series of “why are” segments. I’m not going to lie, I could do these all day, but why beat a dead horse? Hope you enjoyed it and keep the questions coming.

 

Klees wants to know!

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“Why are pants?” Klees asks. Well, I believe her question was first in the que. I’m sorry, my pink, Canadian tart, that it has taken me so very long to answer your query. It’s just such a deep question that I thought I would give it the consideration it deserves. At first I was tempted to give my dear friend a flip answer utilized by such deep-thinking greats as Plato (citation needed) ;”Why not?”. But that would be too easy and not in line at all with the serious work ethic expected of a person who types this very sentence while still in pajamas. With that in mind I picked the most complex card spread I knew of. I give you the Zodiac Spread:

Querent: Three of Wands tells us that pants are indeed a long standing tradition in polite society. They lend the wearer an air of respectability that no other garment can. Pants say “I bothered to cover my lower half in a way that does not at all encourage laughter”. Pants determine ones family standing. In my family no one wears the pants, we are very egalitarian that way. This is the essential “what” of pants. It’s all well and good to learn the why but without exploring the who, where when and what, then we haven’t truly learned anything about pants.

Aries: Six of Pentacles is the card I drew for this card position which represents the querents current thoughts and ideas about pants. I can access from this card that the querent has a complicated relationship with pants. Perhaps you have been burned by past ridiculous pant fashions that you could not in good conscience buy. The current neon trend leaps to mind. Perhaps you, like many women, find yourself intimidated by the mind boggling selection of truly good pants that in no way fit you. Whatever the case, I want to explore the issue to the fullest extent possible in the time I have between heating up a frozen burrito and bothering to shower.

Taurus: The Star hints at a possible reconciliation between one particular pair of pants and the querent. I have my fingers crossed for you two! You would be such a cute couple! I picture picnics in the park, long walks on the beach, and one to three years of uninterrupted bliss before you wear your pants out and you have to start this whole, crazy mess all over again. It’s the circle of life. Accept it and move on. If they meant so much to you, give the pants a proper burial at Good Will where they will give new hope to some teenager who is not so finicky about grass stains and sand damage. I will tell you this about pants; there seriously is no such thing as a magical pair that fits everyone in an eclectic and perky group of friends. That’s just pure bullshit right there and in no way should be tolerated.

Gemini: Two of Wands gives us a bleak picture of your future dealings with pants. This whole reading has been a peek into your inner world in regard to pants. Why so bitter? What is the disillusionment about really? How you you feel about ponchos? My guess is, not as conflicted. Take some time to thoroughly examine your feelings on the matter. Make peace with your inner pant wearing self or you are bound for fashion disappointment.

Cancer: Ten of Wands points to intrigue. How surprising! You and pants are headed for a spy adventure. I see… a lost pair of pants that is hiding from you. Have you checked in the well? Things are always getting lost there, mainly little children named Timmy, so it’s worth a look. It is also helpful to have a collie that specializes in tracking lost anythings. At any rate they are somewhere in your house. Either that or the pants that reshape that junk in your trunk just the way you like will arrive in the mail soon. Either that or you are hiding a true love of pants underneath a steely anti-pants exterior. I see therapy in the near future for fashion related trauma. It’ll be me in therapy talking about this reading. Thanks for that. As if I wasn’t crazy enough. Now I have pants drama.

Leo: Four of Cups; reversed leads me to believe you have been using your pants wrong your whole life which could account for your feelings of resentment and ambiguity. Consult a specialist. Watch some Youtube videos. I suspect there is a novel approach to pants you just haven’t thought of. It’s an exciting time for you and pants to meet in the middle and blaze a new path. You will have friends and neighbors marveling at your unique use of the pant. However you go about it, remember it is a partnership.

Virgo: Queen of Wands; reversed depicts that pants have been on your team for a while now but haven’t had the proper chance to show it. You need to listen! Good relationships are always about listening more than you talk so get to work on that! Also know that the perfect pair of pants need not be expensive. You may be overlooking the perfect pair because of a misguided notion that good pants are pricey pants.

Scorpio: Strength card gives us the opportunity to discuss power differentials. You wear the pants, the pants do not wear you. Repeat this mantra and you are certain to feel better in no time. Say it with me; “I wear the pants, the pants do not wear me”. Good, now go take a hot bubble bath and come back after to read the rest. Actually it is I that went to take a bubble bath and you didn’t know it until just now because you have no way to judge the passage of time from my perspective. Trippy, right? Stick with it, we’re almost done.

Sagittarius: Five of Cups; reversed means that you were out of line that time you borrowed that pair of pants from your best friend in high school. You have racked up a karmic debt that will be hard to rectify. I do not envy you the time you will spend in your next life dealing with this. Make amends now.

Capricorn: Justice sheds light on nothing really. I’m just as confused as I was fourteen words ago. Have you broken the law regarding pants? Did you leave the house without them? Is that against the law where you live? Because if it’s a problem you encounter regularly I suggest you move to Austin, TX where laws regarding nudity are lax and liberal. You will be sorry, as I was, when the first nudist you lay eyes on is the silver speedo guy riding his bike. And you will see him, because he is everywhere you never want to be. There is no such thing as eye bleach either. Or brain bleach. I really, really searched.

Aquarius: Queen of Swords suggests a need for a discussion about camel-toe. There was no delicate way to put that. If you decide to wear pants, which, after this ordeal, I doubt you will, I suggest this device. I’m sorry to have to do that to you, but I have just seen too much I can’t unsee and I would hate to send you out into the pants world unprepared and improperly groomed.

Pisces: Three of Cups gives us a final picture of satisfaction, happiness, completion. I fear it I can actually detect a note of joy coming through the computer at the prospect of my finally wrapping this monstrosity up. It has been a log, hard road we have traveled and we are finally at the end. Thank the maker you worship that my crazy ramblings have come to an end. Now you know never ever again to ask me a dumb question.

 

General Reading for Morri-bear

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For this very special pirate/gypsy/artist/spiritualist I decided an Earth, Air, Water, Fire reading would be perfect:

Earth: Knight of Pentacles suggests that office moral will soar when a troublesome co-worker is mauled by a stray bear with romance on its mind. Alternately it could just mean you have had enough and you’re not gonna take it anymore. Time is ripe for mutiny which involves pie throwing and name-calling. Cursing is in order, as well as obscene gestures. Once, when I wanted to get fired from a job I hated in the ad business, I spelled S-E-X out of the fruit-ee-oh’s we were photographing. Sadly, this only resulted in my having to watch a very awkward video on sexual harassment, which I am pretty sure constituted sexual harassment in and of itself. I digress.

Air: Eight of Wands; reversed tells us that a little green monster has reared its ugly head in your domicile. No, I am not talking about a Shrek baby. Actually, I lost my train of thought imagining cute little farting Shrek babies running amok through my house. Ok, I’m talking about jealousy. Which you totally should be; of my imaginary Shrek baby nanny job. Of anything else, not so much. You are The Bomb, The Shiznet, the any-other-90’s reference to awesomeness that there is. Hold your head high and compare yourself to no one because no one compares to you.

Fire: The Magician; reversed tells a story of disillusionment, disquiet, …other d-words that lead to disappointment. Meh. Keep your eye on the prize spiritually speaking. If you find yourself at a literal crossroads and the literal devil walks up an offers you a deal that promises you musical greatness (pay attention here) you must, absolutely must turn him down. I don’t care how cool his cowboy boots are you have to just say no. If he offers you drugs you’re probably ok, if you’re into that sort of thing, but still, say no to mixed drinks because the devil is just crazy about roofies.

Water: Three of Wands is the metaphoric light at the end of the tunnel and it’s not the light of an on-coming train. That 23rd level of hell that wasn’t in Dante’s book, that was created for the sole purpose of torturing the living shit out of you? It’s about to go bye bye and be replaced with normal earth-like livable surroundings. Get ready to live like a regular person again! The shit is about to un-hit the fan. Is that even possible? If it is, girl, get ready for it.

Ok, Morri-bear that’s all I got for now. Keep the questions coming!

 

Next free reading to the kee-razy red head, Jamila

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Ok, my favorite red-head(no, not Lucille Ball, I hate her, she’s not even funny! No, I’m not jealous) asked for a reading about relationships. Kinda hurt. My cyber-wife is shopping for a real- live person? Our virtual marraige not satisfying? Whatevs. I’m over it.

So, since the reading deals with lurve I chose the cups spread:

Foundation: Knight of Swords; reversed symbolizes your grandma bugging you about great grand-children. I can tell you from personal experiece, you need to shut that shit down. My grandma told me she wanted great grand-children once and I kicked her ass. Not really. I totally headed her request, shacked up with the cabana boy, and we got down to business. Not really. I nodded and smiled and we went back to playing a nice game of who can be quiet the longest. She really likes that game. Point is; don’t listen to anybody but yourself. Which will be really easy to do if you are playing the quiet game.

Querant: Temperance; symbolizes economy, moderation, frugality, management, accomodation. Is that you? Hiding your light under a buschel? I think not! Let that light shine, you glorious, evil, red-head!

Obstructions: Four of Swords: reversed means stop thinking so hard. You’re going to break something. Think of a metaphor involving hamsters on wheels powering your brain. I’m too tired to do it. That’s how much your hard work is affecting others. Plus, also, stop kicking your own ass. It’s not productive, though I bet it is amusing to on-lookers.

Aspirations: King of Cups; Here is the deal; the white knight in shining armour riding up to rescue you? When you see that ass-hat you need to knock him off of his horse and beat him half to death. While you are doing that, look next to you. The person right next to you helping deliver that ass stomping is the one you are meant to be with. Is ass stomping supposed to be hyphenated? I don’t even know. Not important. Neither is respectability, or propriety, or whatever. Just get out there and hang out with someone who likes you.

The Past: Nine of Wands; Why does the man on the card look like Jim Belushi after a three day bender in the afterlife? The good news is he appears to have lost a good deal of weight.That is a question for later I suppose. The queston at hand is how does your past hinder you in this endeavor(that’s my ten dollar word from my five dollar dictionary)? Well, let me tell you how; you got attitude and you can back it up in spades. Nice work, now back down, Cujo. It’s been a rough ride for sure, but be cool and you will prevail.

The Future: Four of Pentacles; ok, we are back to grandma, or mom, or some other person living inside your head. See, in my imagination, as we learned earlier, my grandmother is Truman Capote and I live in her cabana with easy access to the person who comes with it. You can see how dangerous letting your relatives live inside your head can be. Clearly I’ve gone batshit crazy. Don’t let this happen to you. Evict those nattering ma’ms from your skull cavity before you turn into me!

Allright, lady, this is what the cards say.

First Free Reading Goes to KalettaMojetta:

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KalettaMojetta asks in a disguised voice if her boyfriend loves her. The cards say; Yes, your fuzzy faced, pimply, goofy boyfriend loves you. He loves you and sports equally, but you still rate below his mom, but come on! She does his laundry! He loves you and football. And a good subway sandwich. And kittens, but he won’t admit to that one publicly. Rest assured you are second on the list right after his mom. You two should be very happy as long as you aren’t allergic to cats or football. You should work on the disguised voice though. It sounds like a twelve year old boy and that might confuse your twelve year old boyfriend.